{mr.finn} four months

This child is mine, so I'm a bit partial.
But really?
Does it get cuter?
I love this guy so much.
4 months old.
He is DROOLY (is that even a word?)...which is quite clear from these photos.
He loves sperry's. Well...maybe his mom does. :) But either way, he is ready to be on the boat this summer.
He is getting more hair.
He loves to dress up :)

Overall...I love spending my days with him.
I literally miss him when he takes naps.
Pathetic, i am aware.
But, I'm not missing a moment. and I feel lucky for that.  I didn't get these moments with briar. I don't get them with eli.  So i'm soaking them up with finn. every one of them.

FInances aren't the prettiest thing around here.
I quit my job, which I loved...and which paid pretty well..
Brandon is weeks away from leaving the army for a much lower paying job.
But we somehow feel content.
I'm not sure how all the bills will get paid.
Well, yes I am.
God is clear about his commands. And so we will follow him, even when it seems scary.
I am tempted to apply for jobs.
Starbucks?! I should work there just to pay for the habit...
But I feel like God has us in a season of waiting, of trusting...
So, we are doing that.

Without further suspense...our sweet boy...

I realize these are a tad blurry, but it's worth it to me for the sweet smiles :)

Gosh...

 I LOVE IT.
I love spending time with this guy.
Focusing more on ministry and on God's purpose for my life.
Poor and happy.
Yep, I think I'd rather be that than Rich (or well off) and not content.
Let's be honest that this is going to be a battle.
Satan knows my weakness...that I covet other people's houses..stuff...abilities..

I am embarrassed to share this story, because this friend reads the blog (Hi t!), but for the sake of authenticity, here we go...

It started out a normal movie/switch date night. One couple goes to a movie, babysitting the children and then in the same night, you switch children, and the other couple hits a movie. PERFECT. Well, as I sat in this beautiful, clean, organized, well decorated house...I began to play the game of comparison. Wow, she is a wonderful house keeper. Wow, her house sure is organized. I'm so impressed with her style. She has such nice things (which she later told me were mostly from garage sales...see...darn comparison...). She decorates so well. she keeps up with a scrapbook of photos. She has an organized and beautiful bookcase. She has a simple and clean baby room. And in every one of these thoughts, I heard Satan..."you're not good enough", "You're not enough", "you will never be a good mom", "you will never be a good wife", "you will never cook like her", "you will never be this organized". And after sitting down when the kids were asleep, Brandon sat down to watch a movie, and I sat down and cried. In the middle of this beautiful living room. I let the lies of Satan permeate my heart. And I hate that.

Why do I allow that to happen? Because I do not listen to God's promises for me.
I am a great mom.
Perfect? NO. Great? yes!
God has given me everything I need to be a great mom and wife.

One of the things I LOVE about our church...and our pastors..is the way they focus on living in your STRENGTHS. Don't try to live in the things you don't thrive in. I should never strive to be the most organized person in the world. It is not my strength. So I will try to remain organized enough to function well, but I don't need to be the best. In eternity someday, will God judge me on my cleanliness, cooking, or my organizations skills?!? NO! Will be judge me on the way my child serves the Lord? YES! On the way I served him? Yes! On the way I shared in my blessings with others? YES! None of that has anything to do with my house. Or my faults. So, that night was good for me. I left that house feeling encouraged. Although my house doesn't look anything like that...it is US. it is eclectic. And although not messy...it has craft supplies peeking out of cupboards sometimes..and books sitting on shelves..but it is US. So I'm okay with it for now.

But, I might like to have her over to help me re-arrange things...

A special birthday...one year...a special blessing

I can't believe it's been a year.It feels like I held that sweet boy in my arms yesterday.But, no, it has been an entire 365 days that have gone by.Sometimes I feel like I haven't grasped it at all.Then other days I feel like the Lord is so good to have brought him to heaven....to the place that we all long for in eternity.  That he never spent a day here on earth.
Wow, the emotions today are full of peace...but they sure are real.I wish my little man were here to celebrate my 28th birthday and his first birthday.I wish we got to do that together.  I wish he was about to welcome his baby brother into the world.  
But we do. and he is!  Because I know he is with Jesus. And I sit and talk with Jesus daily.So I know sweet Briar is here as we celebrate.
{Random} Today Brandon and I both seperately read a part from the book of JUDE in the bible.  Right before Revelation. I did not know it was in the bible {embarrasing}....but I read a verse that really struck my heart.  
Jude 1:21  "Live in such a way that God's love can bless you as you wait for the eternal life that our Lord Jesus Christ in his mercy is going to give you."
I love this.  Live in a way where I am giving of myself...for the gospel...for Christ....and even in that...he can bless me, as I wait for the eternal life that we will have...  I do not NEED to be blessed. My life is not about receiving blessing.  But even now, I know that we will receive sweet Finn as a blessing in our lives.  And for that I am so thankful.

The things that little child has taught me this year about God's absolute sovereignty...his grace...it is unbelievable.  The eternal perspective his life has given me.The way his life has made me want to live in a way that I serve and GIVE all that I am...All the time...because being caught up in myself isn't worth the time...It is worth it to pursue Godliness...and pursue the Lord.He has made us realize that the blessings the Lord gives us do not always come the way we imagine.  In the package we think. In the perfect way we plan.  But they definitely come.  You just have to be willing to accept them...whatever they look like.
What an amazing gift God has given me in that.

I love this picture.  Almost a PICTURE of God taking Briar to heaven.  This picture just is a tangible show of the eternal light of our savior...and how he was shining that day on the outer shell of Briar...and how he shines now...on me while I wait to join my son in heaven. I pray that I will live a long life of influence here on this earth before I go to meet him. But who knows what the number of my days is. So I will live each day with purpose.  I say all this with the chance of sounding "CHEESY"...but also just sharing my heart...even if it might come off that way.

I don't think I have shared this before. My little boy, and his sweet face. I love him so much. I wish I could kiss those cheeks today. But I know that the one who does kiss those cheeks is so much better than his momma....although days go by when I still feel like momma would be best.. :)  I chose to cover up his little eyes. Because he was not just sleeping, but had moved on...

Later today, we will release balloons and reflect on the blessings that we have in this world...Briar being such a special one to us.

If you live in Columbus...I would love for you to join us.

If not, be thankful for your blessings today, wherever you are!. 
I sure am!!

Fasting..

Oh Fasting.
We have a love,hate relationship.
Fasting: to abstain from food.  (Many people fast other things..)
What an incredible way to re-focus your attention on the Lord.  What a neat way to be reminded to pray all throughout the day.  When I lived in Kentucky in college, I did a liquids only fast with my church there. It was incredible. But it was challenging and tough.  It taught me how much I really value food in my day.  It taught me how much my mind is consumed with FOOD and not with GOD. 

This time around, I decided not to do liquids only. I decided to fast sweets. I have done this before for personal reasons. Because I love them so much. But i have not recently done a fast to re-focus my attention on the Lord. On the things that are important and relevant.

I am doing that now. And it has been wonderful.  So many times, I find my mind wandering. And then I turn to prayer.  I turn to focusing on why I can't have them.
But oh boy, I would really like some sweets.
Here are some things I have been dreaming about in my free time :)




And then there is this sweet girl! My sweet friend Kelsey's girl, Jocelyn.  I had an incredible time taking pictures of their family.  I will probably share some here, although I don't share all pictures I take on the blog.  but they are so dear to our family...we have so much that we share....I will have to share some of the fun we had with you!  This picture happened after she had a sucker, and was not dealing with it well.  It was the most major melt down she has ever had about an 'item', Kelsey said.  I felt horrible for bringing it on...but it was re-affirming why sugar is overrated! :)  So, maybe I will keep my focus. I don't want to look like this because I'm missing my sugar.  Although...if I were this cute, maybe I would want to look like this! 

SET A FIRE!

Today is one of those great days. I am just happy.
Still bittersweet. Still waiting.
But happy!

And I feel this song to the depths of my soul.

There's no place I would rather be.
Than here in your love. Here in your love.
Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain, that I can't control.
I want more of you God.
Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain, that I can't control.
I want more of you God.

I heard it the first time. I thought it was okay.
I thought that non christians might think it was a little hokey.
Are you kidding? Why do I always worry about that?
I thought it was good. But not life changing.
 But ever since, I have not been able to get it out of my mind. ALL I can think is, Where did I find that video? I MUST SEE IT AGAIN! NOW!
I couldn't remember the words, I could just remember the passion that I began singing the song with, even after the first time.
So after a long search, I found it.

It is incredible.

And seeps into my heart, big time.

In fact, I'm listening to it on repeat right now.

And the place I found it is an amazing story all in it's own.

An amazing group of young life folks are rallying around one of their own who was diagnosed with cancer.  I found it through some other blogs I loved. Then I watched the promotional video, and it is a bunch of random people that I know from Lexington.  Although I was never directly involved in young life as a leade,r I was involved when I was in high school...and a lot of the young life and campus crusade for christ people crossed over...so anyway...small world that I ended up knowing a bunch of this group.

The title of her blog is "Don't waste your Cancer".  GOSH, I love that.  After walking through what I did, I sometimes wish my heart would have been MORE to glorify God through Briar's life.  Sometimes it became too much about me, and I wish that weren't the case.  I absolutely LOVE her perspective on it.  And guess what....she recently was pronounced CANCER FREE!

But her friends are running the Nashville Music City Half Marathon (which I have always wanted to do), and lots of people are joining them in the run.  To raise money to help them cover their medical bills. Although young life rocks, I'm not sure it has left them in a place of financial security when faced with huge medical issues.  I love that her friend says that they should "run with reckless abandon" (Literally) the life that God has called us to.  I couldn't agree more.  And that is our "family saying" that we have written in our hallway, for our year.  But I don't know if it will change next year either.  To run with reckless abandon...towards whatever God has for us.  It is unbelievably scary.

It might mean taking away security. It might mean taking away financial freedom (in some ways).  It might mean sacrificing.  I want to be around people that are willing to sacrifice for the gospel (key word: WILLING. It doesn't mean they ARE living in poverty. I am just saying...if God calls me to xy or z...I will go...I will give...I will do it..).  It is so easy for me to say, "Well, but I want to live a comfortable life." or "I will be struggling if I can only shop once a pay period".  But honestly, I want to live a life that is obedient, whatever that looks like.  Whether it means we make $100,000 a year or $20,000 living in the streets of Africa.  I don't think enjoying life financially is a problem.  I think that we have money so that we can enjoy it in many senses.  But I do think we are called TO GIVE.  And to do it JOYFULLY.  It is hard.  If we can't give, we know that we think that our money is our OWN.  It is not. It was not given to us by US.  Although we can think that...because we work for a paycheck.  Who gave us the ability to work? It is an area I feel convicted in this year.  I want an iphone. I do.  No lying here.  But I really feel convicted to wait. Maybe it will come in the future. But not now.  Right now, I need to give more than I feel comfortable giving.  I say "I" because Brandon would be comfortable giving away EVERYTHING we have.  He is way ahead of me in this area. WAY AHEAD.  The Lord has given him a sweet spirit and a heart that just wants to GIVE.  He would move out of our house and live in a trailer and give our whole salary away.  I'm not there.  :)  Nor do I know if I ever will be.  But I suppose that is why I am married to him.  Such an amazing heart inside of that man.

Maybe the adoption will move along easier from Africa.

Just sayin...

Strength? Not my own!

So, I recently posted Briar's story here:

Click on picture to view story...

Since I posted, I have had lots of people ask "how I have the strength" to deal with this.  I will be clear that the journey of grief is not an easy one.  But I have such a HOPE and a FUTURE knowing that my son is with Jesus.  The ONLY WAY I could EVER deal with this is becasue I know that I have a savior and a hope in Jesus Christ.  Possibly that sounds cheesy, but it is the absolute truth of my heart.

  Knowing that I walk in a faith that gives me hope. Since high school, I have known what a relationship with Jesus meant.  I began understanding that I could talk to God, and pray to him, without any formality.  I can pray all through out the day.  Knowing this really helped me when we found out Briar's diagnosis.  Knowing that scripture is TRUE and REAL has helped me so much as I walk through this season of loss. Because I have so much hope. I know that God is not kidding when he says he does all things for good.  The way I look at it, I have a tiny, microscopic view of my life.  God is up at 10,000 feet (like we are when we fly in a plane), looking down on my life...knowing how the pieces will fall into place.  Knowing that in the end, Briar's life DID serve a purpose even if it felt painful to me.  

  I think that you MUST acknowledge your hurt and pain.  Acknowledge that they are real and present.  But then move forward and know that you can't dwell there.  I think about BRIAR every single day.  But I have an eternal perspective on my life.  Knowing that the moments on this earth are wonderful, but I surely will have many more moments in heaven someday to know my little man.

If you are hurting, and you have gone through something similar, please email me.  I would love to talk.

Some verses that have comforted me, and reminded me of the truth.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness. I will give them

comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

~Jeremiah 31:13~

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,

—John 11:25

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

—2 Corinthians 5:1-10

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.

—Philippians 1:21-24

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.

—Philippians 3:20-21



Briar Allen...

I know it hasn't been almost a week since I've posted. But it has. I guess in my mind I posted what I have been thinking and going through, but it never actually made it to my computer :)
Ps...if you are new to reading my blog....this is not me and my husband...this is a great friend of mine who I happened to get a bunch of cute pictures of. I feel like I need to show you these before I show you the pictures of the baby that was in that belly :)

In the last week I have started and finished my last week of school(!), I have watched a friend deliver the most beautiful baby girl (well, not watch the birth, but watch labor and then see them afterward...), I have spent quality time with my husband (Crammed into the short times I was not busy with other things school and baby related), I have edited pictures (because when the baby comes, you really should finish editing the maternity pictures), and we went to the lake with a sweet family we love, who also happens to be our pastor's family

Before we move on, I want to show you some more pictures from Rebecca and Travis' maternity shoot.

And now for EMMA JANE...

(to repeat...she is not mine..if you cannot tell by the lady in the hospital gown that is not me....!  A couple people got confused on facebook)

We have also decided on a boy name for our baby. Brandon always used to have a name in high school that he always said he would name his first boy. I always thought (to myself), "you won't be naming him that if you marry me". I later voiced my concerns and the name was dropped. When we found out our little sweet baby was a boy,the name resurfaced in my mind. I secretly always thought it was cute...but he (when he put on his country accent...we are from Eastern KY!) pronounced it "Brrrraarr".  Can you even figure out what it would be?  It sounds horrible in the accent. But kind of cute if you say it normal. It's like the bush.   It's Briar.  Brandon's middle name is Allen. So we decided on Briar Allen.  I almost put our last name, but I suppose for the safety of the internet I will not do so :)  

And back to Rebecca and Travis and sweet Emma Jane for a moment. I won't share the struggles they have been through to have sweet EJ....but it has been a long road...it has taken heartache. It has taken an unfailing faith in a creator who forms life. And I feel blessed to have walked the path with them. It has not been easy. But they have a sweet little miracle now. And it offers me hope as much as it does JOY :)

The lake was a good time to feel encouraged and loved by our pastor and his wife. I would count them close friends in Columbus...and luckily we have similar interests...God and Boating.  :) So...some pictures...

Below is Jeff, our pastor. Above...my crazy husband who has to jump off  of or out of SOMETHING to make a day worthwhile.

Ashley (one of their daughters) was so grossed out by Brandon's feet. He should be embarrassed b/c we just got a pedicure. That is right. I dragged him in.  Ashley told him she couldn't help it....when she sees gross feet she just had to pick them :)  She gave mine the okay....

Those are the things I am proud of from the week.

The things I am not...
Well, I'm pretty mean. By mean, I guess I just mean that I am confused and frustrated as I battle through this journey and poor Brandon sometimes gets the rush of emotions all at one time. Luckily he is a wonderful listner and his feelings don't get hurt when I'm not nice at all. The Lord knows just who he pairs us up with. (Caveat: It doesn't mean he doesn't drive me crazy, I just know I am matched up with the person who best loves me and I him....despite our craziness)

I am fearful. I guess that's normal. But I know that the Lord is bigger than fear. He can comfort me through that. I am fearful Brandon will return overseas. I am fearful of what is next in our journey. I am fearful of beginning to cook dinner again (I took a break when Brandon left and I can't seem to get back in the swing of things! ;) I am fearful of getting to be a big, ginormous blob...with no baby, I am fearful of not hearing God...or being too influenced by others. 

Okay, well, as I allowed all of that to come out, I want you to know that I was reading my devotional today and the title was, "Fearful first steps". (I love when that happens. Sometimes the devotional is wonderful and insightful but not necessarily in tune with what my life is going through....today it was right on the money) It was based off of
2 Corinthians 5:7  We live by faith, not by sight.
As we walk through this journey, I am continually reminded that this is not something that we can control, nor is it up to  me where we are going.  If it were up to me, I would know the entire picture right now. I would know exactly what Briar looks like, how long he would live, what his legacy will be. I would know what our future children would be, because that would comfort me. I would know the joy that is to come. But right now I don't know that by sight.  But by faith, I BELIEVE that those things will come and I will know them as the time is right. If i simply knew all there was to know about my life, why would I cling to God? Why would I need an unseen God? God has a mystery about him that is intentional, in my opinion.  The God who created the universe did not make any mistakes when he revealed this condition to us. Nor is he making any mistakes as he guides us through this journey. I will be honest: It is tough. We are crying...myself much more than Brandon.  We are struggling. But we know that this baby exists to bring Glory to God. And that might mean carrying this baby until the Lord shows us something different.  We are praying...and waiting for God to open and close doors. We feel encouraged by the path he is taking us on. But there is fear.  There is doubt.  

"When we live by faith, we are at first uncertain of where we're going. We can't see very far in front of us. And our family members and friends are watching.  While we're barely understanding our next steps, they can't understand them at all.  The principles of this world are all based on sight.  Our human culture likes tangible evidence..."
This  made me think of us. If you see us going a little crazy and going up and down throughout this journey, it is probably because we are trying our hardest to walk in faith....and we have NO CLUE where we are going. So forgive me if I don't take opinions that well....because EVERYONE HAS ONE....and THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT!! The Lord knows what he has for us....and it is not something that anyone can tell us.  That has been a hard lesson for MR. and MRS. PEOPLE PLEASER.   

Walking by faith bring me to think about characters in the bible who did so.....
Mary...carrying Jesus in a quite unconventional way.......
Moses.....having faith in front of the red sea as an army advanced on him....
Abraham....who was promised an inprobable son...

All that we know to do right now is sit in faith. And not take any of this lightly. And take it straight to the Lord as we continue to discern and hear from the Lord.

"The essence of faith is being satisfied with all God is for us in Jesus"  -John Piper

He fashioned our very beings...

Louie Giglio is not joking. God made no mistakes with us. This is so real. It is six minutes worth your time. I I sometimes feel like I'm in a funk. I know that God loves me, but I feel a disconnect. This is such an amazing reminder of how INTENTIONAL my savior is with me It reminds me of one of my favorite Psalms. I have tried to memorize this...it hasn't worked :) But great to know that the Lord intended for us to be alive, to live life to the fullest. There will always be unanswered questions. But we know this much...

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

2You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

5You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths,a you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

12even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you. 13For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17How precious tob me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. ....

23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

All who are needy...

So, I am currently thinking about Africa all the time...well, Africa and all countries that have the poor and needy (Second grade teacher speaking here....all countries included in this). I guess the Lord has put an immense burden on my heart for the poor and needy in this world. Can we really sit by and watch? Not because it's the trendy thing to help. Think about the cause. There are MILLIONS of people living in slums...no food. Brothers and sisters dying just because they have no clean water to drink. It is not something we can ignore. I just think that we are called to serve, to help, to give...

Not as a humanitarian mission, but to show the love of Jesus. In your own life, you probably know that if someone TELLS you something, you might pay attention and you might not, but if someone DOES something for you...you LISTEN. I think that ministry works the same. We cannot just tell the poor about the hope they can have in Jesus...we must show them. Several really amazing ministries have popped into my viewfinder lately. One of them showed itself through my FAVORITE blogger...she is amazing. I am pretty much IN LOVE with all she does...but one thing she has made me aware of is this neat ministry called water for christmas. Neat.

I am going to be going on a vision trip to Africa in June 2010. I am notoriously against short term mission trips (for myself), no offense meant to anyone who enjoys them. I just feel like I have exhausted my short term trips. I don't feel like I am helping and I would rather donate teh $3000 it takes me to go to help the country/place in need. I know this sounds cynical, but I was convicted of this in 2004 when I went on my last trip to Haiti. The Lord also placed on my heart a burden for the poor. I won't say I am the best at reaching out, (I'm ashamed to admit), and I am becoming more aware that it is my responsibility to do so. Back in 2004 I KNEW that somehow I would be going to Africa next. So...then this opportunity came up through my amazing church, ironically called MyChurch to get involved with this amazing ministry called "Vapor Sports". It is rare to find such a well organized, God-hearted, LOVING, GIVING ministry. Seriously awesome. Check their story out here. So, full circle, the Lord has told me to go. To renew my love for the poor. To follow the great commission. To GO to all nations and GIVE of myself...my resources. Because we all know that I will help serve. But in four full days there....who will be affected? I'm sure the sweet slum children will be affected, loved, clothed with new clothes and filled with good food but I feel confident that my heart will be the one broken...open....and ready to give. If you are interested in helping, I will be raising support for part of my trip...and would be honored for your support.

So, along with vapor sports, the WATER FOR CHRISTMAS group has an ETSY shop with some adorable merch. All proceeds going to water in Liberia. I am serious that I loved the shirts so much I tried to talk her into making an adult version. :)

So, for now...that's all.
Go to all the nations.
Love people.
I think it really is that easy.

For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat,
I WAS THIRSTY and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in."
Matthew 25:35
:)