Three Weeks

It's Monday again.
Three weeks later.
It's a hard day today for some reason.
I sometimes have a hard time, wishing I were still pregnant. Wishing that were what we were going through, rather than the loss.
Brandon reminds me that he lived exactly the days that were planned for him in my belly.

These emotions come on like a monsoon sometimes, sweeping in and then leaving as quickly as they came. Today, it was more like a string of hurricanes, that just continue to hit, growing in intensity as they did.

Did I mention we're trying to take a relaxing vacation? I suppose that is when some of this surfaces.
Could use prayer.
I just miss him.
I know that we will move forward.
And things will continue to get easier.
But it does feel empty. In my arms. In my heart.
Choosing to trust Jesus through the pain.
But oh man, it hurts.
More than natural childbirth :)

Some sweet ideas..

 I am really excited because I just ordered these from the pleated poppy:

I just sent an email to find out more about the women's version of these skirts.

Because I will wear them.  They are adorable. Heather Bailey and Amy Butler fabric. You can't help but have joy when you see these. :)

A sweet high school friend of mine, who I have reconnected with through the blog world, passed on these sweet words to me that she found on another blog.  The girl who wrote this is amazing, she is the worship leader at my old church in Lexington, KY.  I never knew her, although she went to my high school.  I was so encouraged by this yesterday.  Joy is available to all of us.  Joy is what the Lord intended for us, but it does not come from us.  That is the whole point :) Joy is made available to us through Christ. I wanted to link to it, but I didn't save it as a bookmark like I thought I did :)

Joy is undeniable and cannot be fabricated. Joy is not a smile or a laugh, joy is different. Joy comes from inside - and you just can't force joy to come out of you.

Joy can preach, too. You can have joy even when you're really sad. Joy is not happy. Repeat after me, joy is not happy. Joy is settled, sure, steady, peaceful and strong. Joy is resilient, not fleeting. It's more than a mood, it's a state of being. How else could the Bible say to consider it "pure joy when you face trials of many kinds"? (see James 1:2). James sounds nuts! But, he knows joy is not being thrilled you're facing trial. Joy looks further down the road than the present trial. Joy says, "Somehow, someway, God is going to use this for my good." Joy says, "This is building character into me in a way it could not have been developed otherwise." Joy says, "God's got this and because of that, I'm okay even though I don't feel okay." Joy is awesome, joy is available to you and joy reeks of hope.

The more freedom we experience in Christ, the more joy we have because we stop worrying about the Christians we should be, or shouldn't be and we start simply enjoying God. We start letting the truth about who He is and who He says we are really become the only truth that matters to us. We find that the joy of the Lord really is our strength (see Nehemiah 8:10). Right now, I'm praying that if you feel miserable, you will be reminded of the freedom available to you in Christ. People often think God is a rule maker and the punish-er of rule breakers. What a cheap shot at God to think that! He's a Dad and He's not stupid. He knows we need boundaries and ways to live so that we don't get kicked in the pants by a very real enemy.


I love this.  FREEDOM is what I seek when I am in the midst of pain.  Freedom  not FROM PAIN but IN THE LORD.  Lord, today I pray for FREEDOM to feel JOY.

Bittersweet

Main Entry: bit·ter·sweet

Pronunciation: \ˈbi-tər-ˌswēt\

Function: noun

1 : something that is bittersweet; especially : pleasure alloyed with pain

There are a lot of bittersweet things lately.
Let's start with my dog, Buoy.
He's so cute. So sweet. So adorable.
But He is NAUGHTY.
He is sneaking out of our fence all the time.  He literally tears that fence up. He hides under the bed all the time and growls at me. I give him baths every day because he is so muddy from trying to dig his way out of the backyard. Oh, Buoy...He makes me so mad.  But I just love him.

Bittersweet...
Although I'm allowed to drink Starbucks again, my drink no longer tastes good to me. So sad. Might not seem so to you......but really....I loved that drink!
Bittersweet...
Picture Taking. For some reason, lately, I just cant' get things to be in focus...I can't get the lighting correct....I just can't make it right. Why? it could be that I did something to mess up my camera (very likely) or that I need to spend more time with it (also likely)....or I could be un-focused...but it makes me sad to miss special moments because I am not a proficient photographer.

Bittersweet.....
Celebrating the sweetest friends and babies... who I LOVE SO DEARLY.  EnjoyIing them and enjoying the act of celebrating.  I cannot wait to meet Catherine and Adam's baby..."Little Miss" since they are having trouble deciding on a name we are calling her that for now :)  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Emma Jane....Rebecca and Travis' baby...she is awesome.  She is adorable and tiny and sweet.

Knowing that my sweet Briar will not be truly celebrated....people won't be able to pass him around and hold him at a party...that is tough.  I know that we will have other babies, but it is bittersweet to know that our little man is not going to have a long life here on earth.  He will go straight to be with the savior of the world...and he'll miss out on this world and the things in it.  I guess I consider that quite a blessing...and I love that I will meet him there and spend the most time with him there.  AG and I went to the doctor on Monday and we got to see the sweet guy kicking around and moving like crazy. It was wonderful! We loved seeing that. We also saw the problem. It has not changed. I definitely prayed for healing. For change. Unfortunately that is not what we saw. But I feel as though the Lord has told me this is his purpose for this baby.  And it is not to be fixed, but to show others that he and his mom can persevere and seek JOY in the midst of pain.

To tell you the truth...I have been having a tough time lately.  It feels so overwhelming.
But I know we will make it! But if you know anyone with a pool...I could use some relaxing days.. :)

Love to all....


 

You are my sunshine!

T

Today I finished framing one of my favorite prints.

I think it is only logical. I need to focus on the sunshine right now.

Because I feel like I'm in the pits of a storm right now.

I just want to lay on the pallet bed with buoy and cry. 

But I  won't. What will that accomplish?

I know that God is good. I don't have to love the circumstance. But God uses our situations to shape us.

I will persevere toward the goal to win the prize that God has called me toward. In the meantime, I will pray like cray to see my husband :)

Let me tell you about yesterday. It was a nice Friday morning. I got up and went for a run. Then I met up with my friend Catherine and went to see the genetic counselor at the old grandpa's office. I was supposed to have met with her last week when my mom was here but I think they forgot about me :)  

She gave me some hard truth that I did not want to hear. But it was good to know. It was sad and hard  and BLAH. But I heard it. And I cried a little. And then Cathehrine drove me home. Thank goodness for sweet friends who stand beside you in your tough days. I am in some tough days. They will get better. The Lord will allow good to come from this. I know it. But it doesn't mean every moment will be good.
Then I drove to Atlanta. Well, actually, an hour north of Atlanta in Cumming, GA. I picked up my wonderful mother in law Jenny near the airport and then we headed up to the appointment. We didn't have time to eat when we got there and we were starving. Our appointment was at 1:30. Too bad we didn't realize that we would be there until almost 5pm. I didn't have much of an appetite during the appointment though. 

Luckily, my amazing, incredible, sweetheart of a husband called and stayed on the phone for about an hour and a half of the appointment. I feel lucky for that. It can't be fun when you have to listen to an ultrasound. There isn't any talking. At one point, I said, "it's so big!" and he said (on speaker phone) "You must be talking about his genetalia". Jenny and I both said, "BRANDON!". The ultrasound tech (poor lady) did not know what to do. (PS...we do not know if it's a boy or girl) At another point during the appointment, Brandon told the doctor, "It's okay, we will recover from this, but we're going to keep popping out babies..." Oh my goodness, I thought I was going to crawl under the table. Shock humor at it's best.

I wore my cute new Cynthia Vincent for Target gladiator shoes. Everyone at the doctor loved them. The pharmaceutical rep in the lobby asked if they were Michael Kors. :) Then all the ladies working there were oohing and ahhing. It made the day start off well :)  PS...in the pic below is almost the exact shoe...except it is Cynthia Vincent's designer brand for $405. I got mine for $29.99. Go Target!!

Alright, so anyway...I went in that room and I just had a feeling we were going to be confirmed. And we were. In fact, it looked very clear to me this time. The head just stops and it doesn't round out. It's hard to explain, but it's almost as if someone just  lopped off the top of the head, but all the arms and legs and everything else works fine. Bizarre.

It seems I am life support for the baby.
AGAIN the doctor was amazing. Sweet, heartfelt, and BOY did he let us ask questions. He let Brandon, my mother in law, and I ask questions for about an hour. Ridiculous. Most doctors would be running out the door. He was awesome. Just melted my heart. I mean...those are the people that you are so thankful for. They hate to give you the news that they are...but they are kind and caring and not in a rush to push you out. I promise I am going to write this guy a thank you note to tell him how much that meant to me. He also did a chromosome test on me to see if this is a chromosomal issue or just a neural tube defect.   It won't matter too much to us, as we will try, try again in the future. But I like information. I like to know what we're facing...so we can be educated in the future. The doc felt pretty certain it was a neural tube defect, not chromosonal. That is about 1 in 10000.  

Lucky me. Just kidding. No need for mean sarcasm, God. I apologize.

I kept telling Brandon sorry it was taking so long and he said, "I'm here for you baby. I've got all the time in the world.". I mean...really? Do I deserve that kind of husband? He is amazing. I am so thankful for his support from afar.

But for now, we pray. We wait. And we hurt. But we're going to make it. Please know that. The Lord has us in his hands. He knows our every step. He placed this baby in my womb. He has created it, flaws and all.

We know his will is perfect and good. We don't have to understand it.
Someday, I will look at God in heaven...and ask him WHY it had to be this way. But until then...

Off to enjoy the rest of my Saturday.
I hope you enjoy yours as well!