Focused on one another...again..

I love this man.  

Glad he loves me during these days of limited showers, baby drool, etc.

Wow.  Our 7th Valentines Day married.

We have had many more than that dating and knowing each other.

We have been through a lot, especially the past two years.

Lost a child. Had our first living child. Gone through a long adoption.

no excuses. but facts.

Dealt with our last deployment, tried to learn what it meant to "reattach" emotionally.

This was harder than we thought...

And we are still working on it.

The Army is VERY SUCCESSFUL at training soldiers to detach from their emotions.

To get things done effectively with no emotion attached.

Especially in the infantry.

With all men.

Even more so in the group of Rangers B worked with.

This is to be expected.

But we are trying to be aware and reconnect.

Now, knowing that he will never leave again.

It makes us so happy.

It is what we have always hoped for.

But we finally can let our guard down.  I think that until now, my heart's goal was to stay disconnected so that it wouldn't be so hard when he left again.  I think he feels the same way, but  more on a day to day basis, where h doesn't attach as much each day, because he is used to this with the guys.  If they get annoyed with something he does, he doesn't care...because emotions aren't involved in the army.

In addition, whether you are married to someone in the military or not, a manly man or not...whether he is old or young, tall or short...he is a man.

and you are a woman.

which makes you different.

in many ways.

We communicate differently. We talk differently.

We relate differently.

But at the end of the day, we just need LOVE.

I remember when we went through premarital counseling with our dear friends and Brandon's discipler at the time, they had one child and were going through marriage counseling.

At the time, I thought we would never be at that place.

We went through counseling during Briar.

We're not in counseling now.

But, we are pursing each other.

We are trying to put our selfishness away, and really serve one another.

Because we can see how marriage becomes a isolated, selfish thing.

And neither of us wants that. 

We want a partership.  To LOVE one another with actions, not just words.

 "You and me against the world", is what Brandon used to always tell me.

I love it.

Valentines Day fell at a great time this year. 

We are finally back on our feet after baby.

Just in time to really re-focuson one another.

I'll be honest. i don't really care for the "holiday".

Commercialized crap. 

Everything I do not like about 'holidays'. 

But, this year, it serves to help refocus us on our marriage.

And THAT is worth any commercialized crap. :)

We needed it.

We LOVED going on a date. It reminded us that it needs to be a priority every week. 

EVERY WEEK.

So, thank you to the commercialized, over done day.

Because it helped us realize that we can have so much more for our marriage. 

A marriage that we have allowed to slip a little in the past two years. 

Don't get me wrong, we are doing fine. But I think if we aren't always on the road to pursuing each other and pursing a righteous, God focused relationship, we will FAIL miserably...

I am encouraged today :)

My in laws sent a small vday gift that allowed us to go on a date.

We got flowers and candy from my parents, which we enjoyed together before we left.  

And we left this guy with our friend Bryan's parents. His Georgia grandparents. 

SORRY GIGI and GRAMMY. TIME TO MOVE!!

And thank you, Whitmores, for offering us a night date this weekend, since our Tuesday date was a afternoon quick dinner... :)  That makes us smile!

MY SWEET SECOND VALENTINE.  My four month old boy. Nothing beats that smile.

Watch out for momma bear!

oh goodness, watch out ladies, because four month old finn is turning into a handsome little man! he has always been handsome, but now he is starting to look a little less 'baby' and a lot more 'boy'. I'm not saying I'm happy about it...but trying to embrace it, because come on, he will grow whether we like it or not!

No joke, I did not enhance his eyes.  Got them from his dad.  I ran a basic preset over the photo, but I didn't brighten his eyes up.  Crazy little guy and his bright blue, gorgeous eyes.  And the drool.  One month of drool now.  Waiting for the tooth, but not in a any hurry to have it either :)

Let me tell you about my crazy momma bear instinct that I had no idea that existed until I had children.  I didn't even know it happened, but let me tell you it does!  I am sure you all have it, in one way or another.  The way I hear parents talk about their kids, "Little Johnny is so naughty when he does this, I wish he would stop", but the minute anyone else talks about little johnny, you better watch out!  It's not okay anymore :)

I have seen this in several instances with my children, briar included, two of which I will give examples of, but neither of which were that "big of a deal".  I am sure the other person didn't recognize that the situation even happened and probably didn't even think to say anything to me about it, because it was that minor.

Okay, here we go.  First, we'll talk about Finn.  I stay at home with him.  I love being with him.  I leave him with Brandon once every couple of days to run an errand.  Other than that, he has hung out with my friend Terri (holla for a screaming child!) and my friend Karlisa's mom, the childcare workers at fitness for women (5 times), max fitness (3 times) {WHY AM I TELLING YOU, YOU DON"T CARE...SORRY! JUST MAKING A POINT..}....oh, and the grandparents...but needless to say, he has not been away from me that much.  So leaving him is a big deal.  I try not to be one of "those parents", so I have been trying to leave him with people more...but at the same time...he won't be spoiled people, he's four months old.  And if he does get spoiled, well...then we'll deal with that :)

ANYWAY, I left him at our church nursery. I trust them.  They know him.  I knew he would be fine.  I left him sleeping with his airplane engine (sounding) noise machine, and a cover over his car seat.  Sleep should have lasted an hour at least.  When I get back, about 50 minutes later, he is being held by a worker.  I ask if he was fussy and she said, "Well that white noise was pretty loud and he MUST be hungry", then she said, " He sure is a serious baby".  I felt fine until she said the last part.  I mean, I can say that he is serious.  But when you tell me he is serious (unless you're a family member, who can make those comments :), it is like saying, "Wow, that scarf is interesting" or "Your hair is different looking".  I wouldn't call them insults, but I certainly wouldn't classify them as compliments either!  So, of course, i couldn't stay quiet.  i said, "Well, he smiles all the time for me".  {really? why did I feel the need to say that? she wasn't being mean, just making an observation!  see what i mean??  momma bear is coming out!}.

Then there is example number two.  Involving Eli.  Well, since I can't show his real photo online, but I can show it in person, I am desperate to show off my child to others.  You can find me flashing it to the workers at Starbucks, my dental hygenist, etc.  So, when my 5:30am workout buddies (random acquaintances who I have been seeing at the gym for 4.5 years..>} asks about  my "new" baby, I proudly get out my phone to show a picture of Eli.  Although Finn is my "new" baby, most of the people there have already seen him.  To make sure we were talking about the same child, I said, "This is the newest baby who we are adopting".  As I held out the phone to show him (an older man, in his 60's}, he seemed confused and then uninviting.  He looked at me, almost disappointed, then said, "Oh, well where is the picture of YOUR baby?"...insinuating that Eli is not mine..?!  Also, looking at his photo, and making me feel a very distinct sense of RACIAL prejudice.  I cannot read minds, but I feel pretty certain that there was something bothering him about the way my child looked.  And that made me so mad!!!  I know that I have to prepare myself for a lifetime of weird questions about his race and his place in our family, but as far as I'm concerned, he is just as much "my" child as Finn is.  He might not have been born from me, but the Lord called us to him, and prepared his way to be in our family...so there is no difference.

Okay, just had to see if anyone else had these crazy momma instincts to protect their children when others start to talk bad about them!  Or even start to talk ANY WAY about them...or even look at them a different way.  If I'm this bad now, how will I be when he gets here?!

In other news, I am feeling very weirded out by my angel care monitor. I have a video portion of it, and it is quiet until it hears something in the room (usually him fussing).  But lately, close to midnight, it has been coming on, but all I hear is white noise.  So I click on to see him, and he is sleeping SOUNDLY.  Not moving, not rustling around, NOTHING.  Then, it goes silent again.  THen, about 30 seconds later, I hear the white noise again, but when I inspect the screen, he is STILL.  Umm, hello house from 1924, I do not believe in ghosts, but I would appreciate that whatever is happening in Finn's room...could it please stop?! It is weirding me out to have this thing come on!  Umm, thank you.

Oh, and in further news...I did launch the photography blogsite, only about a month past my projected goal..which was at the beginning of 2012. :)  If you get a chance, go say hi there :)  I will just post there with new photo shoots, and occasionally some personal shoots of Finn, etc.

Life. It is so funny.

Tonight, Brandon is packing up our army life. Well, the gear that completely fills our attic...the army helmet, the backpacks, the EVERYTHING. It has always been so annoying...all that "crap"...but now it just feels weird. They let us have all of the gear that brandon needed to go to war, to do training...and then they take it all back...as if he never had that life. I mean, let's be real...I'm glad it's leaving.

But it seems so final.
We will be out of the army in just a couple weeks.

Last night we hung out with friends and they were asking him about the army..about war...and it was crazy..to think that he has seen and experienced so much.  It just seems normal to us.  But fast roping out of helicopters...jumping out of planes, sleeping in the woods for weeks....being afraid for your life and seeing buddies die....those are just not normal things... :)

In other news...

We just recently found out (TODAY) that Ethiopia decided to close their courts for three weeks.
Really? Just close them?
Yep.
Closed. For some mandatory training.
Our agency said they have never closed in February.
Lucky us :)

So the court date won't be set for at least three weeks...probably early April.

So, we will continue to wait.
And I am excited to see what will come out of the waiting.
I try not to think about our little boy directly. I have the time for Addis Ababa; Ethiopia on my phone. It is 7:45am there now. I am about to go to bed and he is just waking up. I pray for him all throughout the day, but I try not to think too hard about what he is doing. Who is talking with him or not. Because either way I'll be sad. If people are interacting with him and loving him, I am wishing it was me. If they are not, I am broken hearted he doesn't have it. Luckily, he is in the transition home right now ,or the place that the children go when they are waiting for their families. So they get better, more specialized care. This week, a friend of mine who is honest (Thanks, T!), told me I might be a little stupid for taking Finn to Ethiopia. She was scared for me. You might have felt he same way. I don't know if I have fully explained why. Nor do I need to...because I am sure many of you have your thoughts either way... but... aside from nursing (I am not ready to stop AT ALL), bonding (to be gone for a week, I could do, but I don't want to!), and being halfway around the world if anything happened to him... I want this to be a family thing. I want him to look back and know he was a part of picking up his brother. I want Finn to know that he was our first child (okay, this is getting confusing, because Briar will ALWAYS be our first child and the kids will know that...but for this instance we will say Finn is first because he is the first living in the home...) and that he and I had time alone before Eli came. It is special to tell the story. Most people adopt when their kids are older. They get to explain adoption and the picture of Christ to their kids through it. Sometimes I am bummed that we got called to adoption a little early. :) But how neat that hopefully Finn will grow up understanding it, rather than learning it later.

 I have a new mentor/discipler. I didn't know her at all and I had my pastor's wife ask her if she would disciple me. I just wanted an older woman, as spoken in titus 2...to encourage me, model for me how to raise godly children in a godly home. to love my husband well. This particular woman has an amazing testimony. And after fostering newborn babies for many years, they are currently in the process (after all 8 of their kids are out of the house...) of adopting an older foster child..or children... Yes, I think that this is the person to learn from.

 I wish my mom lived in town (and maybe she eventually will!)..but even then...I think you always need someone outside of your family to just pour into your life. And mel...you have been wonderful in this for me. But I need someone physically here, although aside from my mom and mother in law, you are my go-to person to call for wisdom.

 Anyway...back to the children... and how that relates to the discipler...sometimes I get scared...How will I raise a toddler? What will I do? Most people just tell me how horrible and hard it will be.  My mentor reminded me that if God gave us these children and provided us with the calling to have them...then he would give us EVERYTHING we needed to take care of them. Emotionally. Physically. Even financially.  Shooo.  She is so right.  I have been able to trust him financially (surprisingly, usually I worry in this area...), knowing that he has called us to this, so he will provide.  But emotionally I am struggling. I want to feel inadequate...
Because I am!
Apart for Christ I am completely in adequate to raised an orphaned baby with brown hair (how will I handle it?!?) with a (probably) rebellious toddler heart.
But in Christ, who has already overcome the world...I will ask him for strength each day.
For the courage to do what he has called me to do.
I will ask him to take the worry away.
And I will parent these children.
It won't always be pretty.
But what is?
I want to always look back and know that even when our kids didn't know and weren't aware of it, we were teaching them to love others. to love God first, other second. As Kanakuk (a camp we worked at in college) would always say, God first, others second, I'm third.

Today, I try to walk around thinking about that in my mind.

I am THIRD.

Too tired to add pictures. It would just be finn.
I'll show you more of him tomorrow.
He gets his four month shots.
He will not be happy :)