Thursday, February 24, 2011

Jealous much?

Can I be honest here?
I'm jealous.
These are feelings the Lord asks us to fight.
So I am fighting them.
I am reminding myself of his plan.
I am allowing my mind to rest in the truth that the LORD's plan is perfect. It is. ALWAYS. But sometimes I can't believe it in the moment.
When I read facebook Status'.....for example.

But some days, I am jealous that I don't have my little guy.  Today, I looked at pictures of him and didn't remember that his big toe nail on his right foot was short.  And again I was thankful for PHOTOS. And the gift of photography.  For another day...

TODAY, though, I am jealous that our friends JUST STARTED their home study (for their ethiopian adoption)....and they are about to be done.

We thought we were almost done...about six weeks ago.  And things have been crawling along ever since.  And it literally HURTS my HEART.  It is hard to explain to people who haven't gone through this process.  We started our home study in November.  We worked hard to complete everything we needed to complete.  And we have been waiting.  We think patiently....but probably NOT so patiently.  We are just so eager and excited.  I literally ache thinking of our son....(when I tell people that, they say, "Oh, so you've met him?".  NO! I haven't...I don't know how the Lord has connected our hearts to him....but it is unexplainable.)

We had some other friends say, "Oh you must be just about to get your referral"...and I wanted to burst into tears.  We are months and months away from getting our referral.  In fact, sweet Ethiopia has a "RAINY SEASON"  that begins when the rain gets so heavy that it floods the roads from the villages into town, around late July.  So...when that happens, the courts close.  And we wait some more.  (WAH, wah...I is just part of the process!! :)

Because the process goes like this, if you aren't familiar:
1.  Begin the homestudy process.  Go through three interviews, gather mounds of paperwork, etc.
2.  While homestudy is going on, begin compiling Dossier paperwork.
3.  Finish homestudy and wait for Final Homestudy to be completed.
4.  Send completed homestudy and packet of paperwork (1600a form) to US GOVERNMENT.
5.  Wait for fingerprint appointment that comes after i600a form is looked over by the government.
5.  When ready (ours has been ready for over a month), and when completed HOMESTUDY is available, send dossier packet to Adoption Agency.  This will be sent to Ethiopia to be translated and will wait on the I600a form (or USCIS approval) to be sent over.  Nothing can move forward until this happens.

THIS IS BASIC, and as I understand it....I am sure I will learn so much more as we continue to progress.
But, I feel so frustrated that we are stuck at our #3 step...when we have worked so hard to get all our paperwork ready to go...but we can't send any of it off yet.

OKAY, but back to the root issue.  FEAR and DECEPTION of our souls are often the root of feeling jealous.  If I truly KNOW and BELIEVE that no matter what, God's plan is best for us...then why do I continue to stress and worry regardless of the outcome? It is silly.  I wrote these up...that I found while doing several readings on fear in the last several weeks.

  • There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18).
  • For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father" (Romans 8:15).
  • It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1).
SO, essentially...I live my life FEARING what is next, thus WORRYING about why we wait, why this happens, etc.  I truly believe in the Lord's timing and that he does not cause bad things, but he WORKS ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR GOOD (for those who love him Romans 8:28)  But sometimes I forget.  I stray.  So today, I will ask you for accountability. 
Although sometimes you need to feel validated in your frustration....because I am FRUSTRATED and so is Brandon....and I want to beat on the wall and kick someone's shins...
We also need to come back and remind ourselves that it isn't about this child, or us, or anyone else for that matter.  It is about bringing glory to God through caring for those in the kingdom of God...and how dare we selfishly try to make that our own! :) 
with that..
I will wait.
:)  Just ask me how that is going!

found it here

gray ric rac copy


  1. Waiting is hard - trusting in His plan is often "trying"....but things will happen in His time!
    Be patient and wait on the Lord! (In the meantime, call Pete and Levan and I bet they can help with the slow process - maybe even make it faster for you....they have serious connections!)
    Love you both!

  2. Girl, I totally get this!!! Our home study seemed to take forever! We had everything completed and ready, and had to literally sit and wait on our homestudy social worker to right our home study for over a month! It was so hard! But I truly believe that God set all that up as a "divine delay" to align us with our Caroline Faith! But I know that the waiting is still so hard!!!

  3. sorry, brooke!! i feel your pain but in a different way. waiting and being out of control totally stinks :( anyway, sorry we've been playing phone tag. last night when you called, we had an out of town guest so i couldn't answer. let's catch up this weekend. praying for you, sister!!!

  4. Yup. That's about it. To "know" something intellectually but struggle with the heart "knowing"/believing/trusting/remembering the same thing. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it...

    Currently the only thing I'm waiting for is this little baby to be born - 5 more weeks. There is a known end to the waiting that is in sight, which I know is very different from what you're going through.

    But, I still struggle with jealosy over other BLMs whose babies were "beautiful". Silly, I know, we all lost our babies. My heart had other hopes than what God gave, still "good", but... that's that head knowing vs. heart knowing. Ugh!

    May He give you His strength to wait in peace.