Jealous much?

Can I be honest here?
I'm jealous.
I am ENVIOUS.
These are feelings the Lord asks us to fight.
So I am fighting them.
I am reminding myself of his plan.
I am allowing my mind to rest in the truth that the LORD's plan is perfect. It is. ALWAYS. But sometimes I can't believe it in the moment.
When I read facebook Status'.....for example.

But some days, I am jealous that I don't have my little guy.  Today, I looked at pictures of him and didn't remember that his big toe nail on his right foot was short.  And again I was thankful for PHOTOS. And the gift of photography.  For another day...

TODAY, though, I am jealous that our friends JUST STARTED their home study (for their ethiopian adoption)....and they are about to be done.

We thought we were almost done...about six weeks ago.  And things have been crawling along ever since.  And it literally HURTS my HEART.  It is hard to explain to people who haven't gone through this process.  We started our home study in November.  We worked hard to complete everything we needed to complete.  And we have been waiting.  We think patiently....but probably NOT so patiently.  We are just so eager and excited.  I literally ache thinking of our son....(when I tell people that, they say, "Oh, so you've met him?".  NO! I haven't...I don't know how the Lord has connected our hearts to him....but it is unexplainable.)

We had some other friends say, "Oh you must be just about to get your referral"...and I wanted to burst into tears.  We are months and months away from getting our referral.  In fact, sweet Ethiopia has a "RAINY SEASON"  that begins when the rain gets so heavy that it floods the roads from the villages into town, around late July.  So...when that happens, the courts close.  And we wait some more.  (WAH, wah...I know...it is just part of the process!! :)

Because the process goes like this, if you aren't familiar:
1.  Begin the homestudy process.  Go through three interviews, gather mounds of paperwork, etc.
2.  While homestudy is going on, begin compiling Dossier paperwork.
3.  Finish homestudy and wait for Final Homestudy to be completed.
4.  Send completed homestudy and packet of paperwork (1600a form) to US GOVERNMENT.
5.  Wait for fingerprint appointment that comes after i600a form is looked over by the government.
5.  When ready (ours has been ready for over a month), and when completed HOMESTUDY is available, send dossier packet to Adoption Agency.  This will be sent to Ethiopia to be translated and will wait on the I600a form (or USCIS approval) to be sent over.  Nothing can move forward until this happens.
6.  WAIT FOR REFERRAL

THIS IS BASIC, and as I understand it....I am sure I will learn so much more as we continue to progress.
But, I feel so frustrated that we are stuck at our #3 step...when we have worked so hard to get all our paperwork ready to go...but we can't send any of it off yet.


OKAY, but back to the root issue.  FEAR and DECEPTION of our souls are often the root of feeling jealous.  If I truly KNOW and BELIEVE that no matter what, God's plan is best for us...then why do I continue to stress and worry regardless of the outcome? It is silly.  I wrote these up...that I found while doing several readings on fear in the last several weeks.

• There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18).
• For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father" (Romans 8:15).
• It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1).

SO, essentially...I live my life FEARING what is next, thus WORRYING about why we wait, why this happens, etc.  I truly believe in the Lord's timing and that he does not cause bad things, but he WORKS ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR GOOD (for those who love him Romans 8:28)  But sometimes I forget.  I stray.  So today, I will ask you for accountability. 

Although sometimes you need to feel validated in your frustration....because I am FRUSTRATED and so is Brandon....and I want to beat on the wall and kick someone's shins...

We also need to come back and remind ourselves that it isn't about this child, or us, or anyone else for that matter.  It is about bringing glory to God through caring for those in the kingdom of God...and how dare we selfishly try to make that our own! :) 

So... 

with that..

I will wait.

Patiently.

:)  Just ask me how that is going!

found it here

Lessons Learned

Sunday.
Such a great day to worhip, to be renewed and refreshed.

To remember why I am carrying this sweet baby.

To not be envious of others.

Today's sermon was about jealousy. When we are jealous, we value something that someone else has. well, that makes me realize that I am sometimes "JEALOUS" of friends who are pregnant with healthy babies. It doesn't happen often, but I do have moments of it that are often fleeting. I think that's okay. I think if I stay there, I am in trouble.  It is natural to feel the feelings, but our pastor suggested fighting it by affirming the person that has what you want.  Well, I do that. I go to the pregnant person and tell them how happy I am.  Many times, I am truly, heart warmingly happy.  Other times, when I'm having a hard day, I am choking back tears as I tell them how happy I am.  It's a balance. The time will come for us.  Jeff also said that sometimes we are not jealous of the other PERSON, but of what God DID NOT give us.  Hmm....so that made me realize that God and I have more talking to do about why I sometimes feel this way.  We need to talk about the promise he gives me for a "hope and a future" promises to "prosper me and not to harm me" (Jeremiah 29:11)

Let me tell you about my Sunday.

It started off well.

We were on time, not early for church. (We prefer to be early but on time is okay)

We loved the sermon, as I spoke about above.

After church I ran into my friend Kathryn who is making me an AMY BUTLER BLANKET for BRIAR...and I couldn't be more excited about it :)

Then I ran into another friend who is due with her baby BOY the same day I am due with Briar. I probably will not deliver the same time as her (most likely it will be a bit earlier) but it is super hard to think about seeing that baby boy for years to come and knowing that my guy should be the same age.  They should be pals because they were born the same day, at the same hospital, with the same midwife (yep, we have the same midwife).  Instead, Briar will go to be with the Lord and her boy will live. I can truly say that now with peace, but there will be hard days, I know, especially after he is born. I am going to pray for his grace to come over me each time I see them, and that I would be able to have a peace knowing that my boy is with the Lord growing as their boy is here.

As I stood in my big gladiator heels, I began to get tired. By the time we made it to the car, about 45 minutes after the sermon, I was exhausted. I also didn't feel good.

We went to Moe's for lunch. It was yummy, but I kept feeling funny throughout the meal. I couldn't figure out if it was emotional or physical or what.

Suddenly, like a volcano that cannot be held any longer, I just exploded. I threw up in my mouth. Really. It was horrific and unexpected. I ran to the bathroom and continued to throw up. Was I sick? Was I mourning my child? Was I sad? I have NO CLUE. But I was throwing up Mexican food and it was GROSS.  I still feel like it could happen again.

Then, after stopping at the RED BOX on the way home (and my hubby so sweetly buying me a trashy mag about Bristol Palin getting married), we return home to find this:

a pillow completely ripped apart.

In case you are wondering, we DO Learn from past mistakes, but she has slowly earned her way out of the crate. 

 

The culprit:

After the pukey lunch, I am going to take a little nap. Maybe watch a movie :)

HAPPY SUNDAY TO YOU!