Waiting is not easy.

A new year is here.
2012.

I am realizing that 2011 was a year of waiting for us.
Have you ever waited on something?
Life is FULL of waiting.
In one way or another, we are probably all ALWAYS in a season of waiting.
Some waiting is more 'predictable' than others.

When I say 'predictable', I pretty much mean, "We feel like we can control it more". Funny that the Lord is in control of all things, but we like to feel 'in control' of even the littlest things.

We waited on this guy for a while. Boy, he was worth the wait.


{the face he gives everyone in public...making them think he is a total serious sam..}


I know people that have waited on pregnancies (me included..)
People that have waited on a new job...
waited on a new house...for the finances or ability to purchase one
waited on a man (spouse..) to come into their lives, sometimes never seeing him come..
waited to get pregnant, sometimes years...
waited on a husband to get sober...never seeing results..
waited on a referral from Ethiopia..or any country...
WAITED.

In life, there are many things that you can make happen if you put forth enough effort. If you work hard enough, you can usually make things happen. Or at least it used to feel like I could. Growing up, if I wanted to be better at soccer, I practiced more. If I wanted to do better in school, I studied harder. In college, if I wanted more friends, I went out and made them...

But waiting on a child....or should I say "waiting on the Lord..on his timing...in all things", for that there is no guarantee on the time...
that is tough.

It is a lesson. Because truly, I was never in control. Only holding the brief illusion of control. Only to have it pulled out from under me.

We should have had our referral in November. Well, I was hoping for it in September..
It's january tomorrow.
No referral.
And my heart aches for that little boy. Sweet little Eli. Where is he? What does he look like? What is he wearing right now? Is he sitting in his own urine or is he one of the few lucky ones with a diaper? Does he have someone who gives him kisses?

I know we will know, in God's perfect timing. But my heart still aches. A good reminder. That the Lord never forgets us. Even when our heart aches. He knows.

As I rub little Finn's face to help him fall asleep (spoiled much?), I think of Eli. I pray for him. I want to cry, and sometimes I do...allowing my tears to drip down onto finn's pajamas. His clean, warm, dry pajamas. Because Eli, he is lucky if he even has clean, dry clothing. He is lucky if he gets picked up a couple times a day...much less has his face rubbed as he falls alseep. Why can't I just go to him now? Why can't I see his face? Oh gosh...so hard to wait.

Lately, we have been seeing commercials for the Aspca. I think it's an animal organization. it shows pictures of pathetic, sad, dying animals. And begs for your help.
These commercials make Brandon mad.
I had never given them much thought.
Because I love animals. I love dogs. I have one. I used to have two until my parents took custody of the other :) She is our baby.
But she is not a person.
Brandon loves Bella too. We will be heartbroken when she dies someday.
But she is a dog.
I am sorry if this offends you, but don't you think we should have commercials on tv about the starving children in AMERICA? The lack of clean water around the world? The extreme poverty happening in our favorite vacation spots? The ridiculous sex slave industry that little children are being victimized in...by American business men...in Costa Rica? The nasty, trash and feces ridden slums that house MILLIONS of people in places like India and Africa...and all around the world.

"Then [Jesus] said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field." Matthew 9:37-38

I guess you're in trouble. My soapbox has arrived.

These past couple of years have required a lot of waiting for us.  Waiting on Briar.  Waiting for our short time with him.  Waiting to get pregnant again. Waiting on Finn. Waiting on Eli.  Waiting on Finn some more...he was as late as he could have been....and Eli seems to be the same...

But we will rest and wait in the Lord's PERFECT timing. Because it is perfect.
I'm so excited for all the things that 2012 holds...waiting included...

Jealous much?

Can I be honest here?
I'm jealous.
I am ENVIOUS.
These are feelings the Lord asks us to fight.
So I am fighting them.
I am reminding myself of his plan.
I am allowing my mind to rest in the truth that the LORD's plan is perfect. It is. ALWAYS. But sometimes I can't believe it in the moment.
When I read facebook Status'.....for example.

But some days, I am jealous that I don't have my little guy.  Today, I looked at pictures of him and didn't remember that his big toe nail on his right foot was short.  And again I was thankful for PHOTOS. And the gift of photography.  For another day...

TODAY, though, I am jealous that our friends JUST STARTED their home study (for their ethiopian adoption)....and they are about to be done.

We thought we were almost done...about six weeks ago.  And things have been crawling along ever since.  And it literally HURTS my HEART.  It is hard to explain to people who haven't gone through this process.  We started our home study in November.  We worked hard to complete everything we needed to complete.  And we have been waiting.  We think patiently....but probably NOT so patiently.  We are just so eager and excited.  I literally ache thinking of our son....(when I tell people that, they say, "Oh, so you've met him?".  NO! I haven't...I don't know how the Lord has connected our hearts to him....but it is unexplainable.)

We had some other friends say, "Oh you must be just about to get your referral"...and I wanted to burst into tears.  We are months and months away from getting our referral.  In fact, sweet Ethiopia has a "RAINY SEASON"  that begins when the rain gets so heavy that it floods the roads from the villages into town, around late July.  So...when that happens, the courts close.  And we wait some more.  (WAH, wah...I know...it is just part of the process!! :)

Because the process goes like this, if you aren't familiar:
1.  Begin the homestudy process.  Go through three interviews, gather mounds of paperwork, etc.
2.  While homestudy is going on, begin compiling Dossier paperwork.
3.  Finish homestudy and wait for Final Homestudy to be completed.
4.  Send completed homestudy and packet of paperwork (1600a form) to US GOVERNMENT.
5.  Wait for fingerprint appointment that comes after i600a form is looked over by the government.
5.  When ready (ours has been ready for over a month), and when completed HOMESTUDY is available, send dossier packet to Adoption Agency.  This will be sent to Ethiopia to be translated and will wait on the I600a form (or USCIS approval) to be sent over.  Nothing can move forward until this happens.
6.  WAIT FOR REFERRAL

THIS IS BASIC, and as I understand it....I am sure I will learn so much more as we continue to progress.
But, I feel so frustrated that we are stuck at our #3 step...when we have worked so hard to get all our paperwork ready to go...but we can't send any of it off yet.


OKAY, but back to the root issue.  FEAR and DECEPTION of our souls are often the root of feeling jealous.  If I truly KNOW and BELIEVE that no matter what, God's plan is best for us...then why do I continue to stress and worry regardless of the outcome? It is silly.  I wrote these up...that I found while doing several readings on fear in the last several weeks.

• There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18).
• For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father" (Romans 8:15).
• It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1).

SO, essentially...I live my life FEARING what is next, thus WORRYING about why we wait, why this happens, etc.  I truly believe in the Lord's timing and that he does not cause bad things, but he WORKS ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR GOOD (for those who love him Romans 8:28)  But sometimes I forget.  I stray.  So today, I will ask you for accountability. 

Although sometimes you need to feel validated in your frustration....because I am FRUSTRATED and so is Brandon....and I want to beat on the wall and kick someone's shins...

We also need to come back and remind ourselves that it isn't about this child, or us, or anyone else for that matter.  It is about bringing glory to God through caring for those in the kingdom of God...and how dare we selfishly try to make that our own! :) 

So... 

with that..

I will wait.

Patiently.

:)  Just ask me how that is going!

found it here