I had these beautiful baby showers.
That were completely honoring to sweet baby Finn.
But goodness, it sure made me miss Briar.
And long for our baby in Ethiopia. Who seems SO FAR AWAY.
Maybe it has something to do with being almost 31 weeks...right where we were this time last year, about to deliver. Maybe it is the extra girth I feel like my belly has...because I just had a baby last year...(just hit 10 months on my mom's birthday, July 13th..)
Maybe it's the double jogger we got as a gift (which we wanted..) that will seem so empty...missing big brother Briar but also missing our boy overseas. It sounds silly. I just need to feel thankful for what we DO have. Which is this baby in my belly....but I can't help but feel the void sometimes.
The frustration could be the lady at Buy Buy baby that asked me when I was due. When I told her, she said, "Oh, I thought it would be much sooner". Guess what? That is the WRONG WRONG WRONG thing to say to a pregnant person. I almost burst into tears and said, "Well, I just had a baby, so my body knows what to do..". Being around other tiny pregnant people makes me feel like a HOUSE anyway...I am trying to just rejoice in the total MIRACLE of babies...birth...pregnancy...and not to worry about how big I am. How fair is it that tons of pregnant people NEVER work out and gain like 10 total pounds. And then I work out about 5-7 days a week and I am just putting it on... :) Oh gosh, I better back up and hear myself. I am complaining huh? I hate the "fair" game. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. I always want to tell people to get over it when they start talking about "It's not fair.." God doesn't promise easy or fair. Sorry! Just feeling a little sorry for myself. It's over now.
The Lord promises us such a journey..but doesn't promise it will be easy. Or simple. But I know that if we rejoice in the hope of the Glory of God, we cannot be let down. Things in this world will constantly let us down. People. Ourselves. Life. But God allows us to have an everlasting hope for our futures. Thank goodness for comfort coming straight from the Lord when I am feeling down.
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
People often ask if we have the nursery ready. Sometimes, doing things like that makes me feel like I am 'jinxing' things. I know that there is no such thing...the Lord knows our whole journey, and although anything could happen, I am choosing to believe the best about what is to come. Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on Briar's memory to move forward with new things. I haven't forgotten him, but sometimes I feel like I am moving forward without him.
Well...despite this, really enjoying time with family at the moment. And remembering the joys that go with being pregnant. Even as I write this, feeling Finn's elbow or heel pushing out onto my hand. Almost as if to say, "it's okay mom...". I love him so much already. It is so hard for ANYONE to understand. My sweet husband told me he was feeling sad today. Praising God that he aligns our hearts when we are missing our son. Because many others act as if I'm feeling emotional because I'm pregnant. Nope. Or because I'm tired. NOPE. Those might add to it. But I'm feeling emotional because I wish my son were here. I wish he were with me, keeping me up at night to feed him, to play with him. Being a stubborn little guy. That is why I am emotional. It doesn't happen all the time...but when it does, I feel like I just have to let it come. So I will.
Hope in a God so much bigger than we are.
Brooke, thanks for your honesty. Everything you wrote seems like such natural feelings as you wait for Finn and your boy in Ethiopia but miss Briar. I miss him with you (not like you do, of course), but I can understand totally how that wonderful double stroller might seem so empty. Love you, friend, and I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYour heart is amazing! No, God doesn't promise us fairness or a pain free life but He does promise that He will never leave us or forsake us and that is what I cling to...ever so hard some days!
ReplyDeleteIm not a new follower but a new commenter! Your words are what I needed to read tonight. Although differnt situations the wisdom and words were needed! Thank you!
katieandben.info
Uhhh, you should hangout with me and you'll feel crazy skinny :) People have been saying "Oh my, any day now, huh?" since I was 25 weeks. For real. But it's cool. I was a whale with Harvey, and even bigger with this guy, but it's worth it in the end. You just can't control weight gain and how you carry babies. Especially when they're on track to be about 10 pounds like this guy is. And, there are always personal trainers right?!
ReplyDeleteOh, we need to chat and catch up. Especially after your message yesterday that made me laugh so hard!! Best voicemail I've received in awhile!!
OK, you totally make ME feel like the house! Granted, I don't exercise... mostly cause I'm so big (and not just in my belly!) that I would hurt myself! I just keep telling myself that after Asa (I just accidentally wrote 'Rachel' there instead of Asa...talk about feeling guilty...) comes, I can start losing this weight. I was still carrying almost 20 extra pounds from Rachel when I got pregnant again and I feel like I've been pregnant FOREVER. I hate to complain cause I'm thankful that I'm pregnant and with a healthy baby, but it's still hard. I had someone ask me when I was due on Thursday (I'm 22 weeks!) and when I told her in a few months she said "but you're so big!" People don't mean you're fat when they say that... they mean they aren't thinking straight! :o) I do have to say though that regardless of how you feel, you LOOK AMAZING! So don't sweat it...Finn is getting everything he needs from you and you're doing great. There's plenty of time to worry about weight in life...pregnancy isn't one of them unless you're not gaining enough! Enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteOn the topic of your baby showers... I can imagine it brings up some emotions, just like so many other things along this journey. Don't feel bad, it's 'normal' (whatever that is!) and God knows and understands. Praying for your heart as you get closer to welcoming Finn into your family.
Thank you for this post...it's so helpful to me to have someone feel the same things I'm feeling. Since losing our Caroline and being pregnant again (31 weeks), it's been a whole new set of feelings and emotions. The joy of expecting a new sweet baby is awesome, but the pain of missing our angel babies is so heavy.
ReplyDeleteI've even had people tell me that I look much further along than I am already! It makes me want to punch something! I mean, come on! Why would they think that's an "okay" thing to say!? I would NEVER say something like that to someone!!!! Grrrrr...oh well.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing your journey. You're in my prayers!
I totally get you on all of the feelings and emotions...And don't you stress about any kind of weight issue! First off, you look amazing! Second, I know you'll kick any weight gain once your sweet baby boy is here! Much better than I am, I'm sure! :) Heck, after four pregnancies, my body is rebelling and I can't kick any of this weight. I can't even get close to fitting in my pre-preggo clothes and it's depressing. At less than a month pp with Liv, I was back in my regular jeans and here I am 6 weeks pp and still have a good 14 lbs still to go. These babies sure take their toll on our bodies, but it's so worth it!
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm done rambling, know that you're in my thoughts and prayers! Hitting that marker of where you were with Briar and where you continue to go with Finn...it's a hard mix of emotions. I can't wait to meet that little guy!