I had these beautiful baby showers.
That were completely honoring to sweet baby Finn.
But goodness, it sure made me miss Briar.
And long for our baby in Ethiopia. Who seems SO FAR AWAY.
Maybe it has something to do with being almost 31 weeks...right where we were this time last year, about to deliver. Maybe it is the extra girth I feel like my belly has...because I just had a baby last year...(just hit 10 months on my mom's birthday, July 13th..)
Maybe it's the double jogger we got as a gift (which we wanted..) that will seem so empty...missing big brother Briar but also missing our boy overseas. It sounds silly. I just need to feel thankful for what we DO have. Which is this baby in my belly....but I can't help but feel the void sometimes.
The frustration could be the lady at Buy Buy baby that asked me when I was due. When I told her, she said, "Oh, I thought it would be much sooner". Guess what? That is the WRONG WRONG WRONG thing to say to a pregnant person. I almost burst into tears and said, "Well, I just had a baby, so my body knows what to do..". Being around other tiny pregnant people makes me feel like a HOUSE anyway...I am trying to just rejoice in the total MIRACLE of babies...birth...pregnancy...and not to worry about how big I am. How fair is it that tons of pregnant people NEVER work out and gain like 10 total pounds. And then I work out about 5-7 days a week and I am just putting it on... :) Oh gosh, I better back up and hear myself. I am complaining huh? I hate the "fair" game. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. I always want to tell people to get over it when they start talking about "It's not fair.." God doesn't promise easy or fair. Sorry! Just feeling a little sorry for myself. It's over now.
The Lord promises us such a journey..but doesn't promise it will be easy. Or simple. But I know that if we rejoice in the hope of the Glory of God, we cannot be let down. Things in this world will constantly let us down. People. Ourselves. Life. But God allows us to have an everlasting hope for our futures. Thank goodness for comfort coming straight from the Lord when I am feeling down.
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
People often ask if we have the nursery ready. Sometimes, doing things like that makes me feel like I am 'jinxing' things. I know that there is no such thing...the Lord knows our whole journey, and although anything could happen, I am choosing to believe the best about what is to come. Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on Briar's memory to move forward with new things. I haven't forgotten him, but sometimes I feel like I am moving forward without him.
Well...despite this, really enjoying time with family at the moment. And remembering the joys that go with being pregnant. Even as I write this, feeling Finn's elbow or heel pushing out onto my hand. Almost as if to say, "it's okay mom...". I love him so much already. It is so hard for ANYONE to understand. My sweet husband told me he was feeling sad today. Praising God that he aligns our hearts when we are missing our son. Because many others act as if I'm feeling emotional because I'm pregnant. Nope. Or because I'm tired. NOPE. Those might add to it. But I'm feeling emotional because I wish my son were here. I wish he were with me, keeping me up at night to feed him, to play with him. Being a stubborn little guy. That is why I am emotional. It doesn't happen all the time...but when it does, I feel like I just have to let it come. So I will.
Hope in a God so much bigger than we are.