2011 in my phone...

Before I had a baby, I really didn't take many photos with my cell phone. I have an android, so I can't do cool stuff like instagram (although I attempt with my ipad that doesn't have an app and has a bad camera...). Anyway, I have recently started taking phone photos, and I have decided that they are such a cool way to capture day to day life! The quality isn't as perfect, but I'm willing to sacrifice that to get the amazing moments captured. I have realized that nothing makes time passing more obvious than the life of a child.  The growth that happens makes it so clear that time is passing, whether you want it to or not!

I've got lots of things to write about, I just can't seem to get myself together enough to blog. I'm working on getting a photography website up and running and trying to just enjoy my little man as much as possible. Will update soon! Happy 2012!

{Humility.} Such a good trait.

Thank you for your sweet comments about my little man.
I tend to think he is pretty handsome. I miss him a lot {understatement}, but I am thankful to have the memories of him. He was created so perfectly.
 We had a wonderful celebration of him on our birthdays. A balloon shot here. after the release. KATE grabbed a couple more pictures I will share in the future.

Oh goodness.
The Lord and I are having some fierce communion lately. Sometimes with my spouse, I call this fighting. But, let's just say we are having some good, strong communion. Not sure what his plan is for little Finn...but I would love it if Finn would come to meet us all. But I am constantly reminded that his timing is not my timing.
Lucky Dog, I am finally at the point where my ankles have swelled. I told my mom that my ankles look like Dad's do after a day on his feet. She said, " so you have cankles?"....
Exactly.
It is very pretty.

I feel like the Lord is constantly refining and shaping me, just like he does when I struggle with body image when I am NOT PREGNANT.
My sweet friend who was tiny to begin with just had her baby. She was due two days after me. When people would see us together, they would always say (to her) "You are so tiny!"...hahaha...thus I received the opposite quiet message...
  I am so darn happy for her, and her sweet boy is just the cutest.  He is so snuggly and she had a wonderful delivery.  They should be going home soon and I can't wait to hang out with them as a new family of three!
I think my sister in law (who is due in October) is going to have her baby before I am...which will be wonderful (they say he is healthy and ready, and she is already dilated and effaced..).

But I might be lying if I said I didn't want to go ahead and meet my guy too.
And that maybe I struggle with jealousy that I don't carry my baby looking like a cantaloupe instead of an extra large watermelon.

Yesterday, a nice gal said, "Are you only having one baby?". bwahahahaha....
I work out {every day}, I don't eat horribly...

Thank you, Lord, for keeping me super humble.
Obviously my heart wants to feel like "the best" and have pride in who I am in MYSELF. And he constantly brings me back and reminds me that I should be finding my identity in him...not in my body, the way I carry a baby, my intellect, or any other superficial thing....

THe other day I went to a bible study. On my birthday. It was just wonderful. We talked about how to hear God's voice. I needed it.  The woman who taught it reminded me of Beth Moore. Speaking with authority over scripture...but with carefully chosen words.
The women there were just so well put together. They were mostly stay at home moms to wealthy husbands. The bible study was in a home that was perfectly decorated by an interior decorator and probably cost upwards of $500,000. There I sat with my unpolished toes in flip flops...and as I looked around at the beautiful pedicured feet in sandals and flats....I tucked those little feet under my chair. ;)
The Lord constantly has to humble me and remind me that this world is not about "STUFF"...and if I allow myself to get consumed there...I will not be running after him with my whole heart.
But goodness....talk about feeling that to the core of my being.
I am a little bit 'stuff' oriented.
I like nice things.
And...I apparently covet other people and the way the Lord allows them to experience life.
And for the record, I am going to get these swollen tootsies pedicured today.

So, I suppose....all this to say.....

I am still pregnant. Enjoying feeling Finn's little kicks. Knowing that although my due date is in one week and one day, we might have two weeks left. And I am just going to chill out. Trust in God's perfect plan. Because this life, although I like it think it is all about me, is not... :)

This song is called "You are for me" by Kari Jobe.
I have really enjoyed this song...ever since my friend Terri shared it with me.
So I am going to share it with you.
I hope you have a great day!

Gone awhile...

I keep putting off posting.
WHY?!?
No clue.
I feel like I have so much to say that I just choose to say nothing at all.
Between all my emotions...
I am just a bumbling mess.
And I hate to capture that in writing :)

Half the time I am so, so excited about what is coming.
The rest of the time I am terrified.
Sometimes I just want to tell everyone to leave me alone. If I were just gaining weight because I was fat, I sure hope you wouldn't walk up and tell me so.
So why can people say it when I am pregnant.
Usually, friends are awesome. It is the strangers and acquaintances that really drive things home.
Anyway, life happens that way.
I am positive that I am a little extra crabby with not sleeping at night. Probably 10 times last night I got on my hands and knees in bed and did some yoga stretching and then tried to fall back asleep. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my pregnancy pillow I almost go crashing to the floor when I try to roll out of bed to go potty.


I look a little creepy.
It is 5am.
Before the baby shower that my gym friends threw me at 6am...
When you work out at 5:30am every day for 3 years...you develop some friendships...
Most of the ladies are my mom's age...
But I love them..
And they have shared life with me. Walked through some really tough times.
So I was completely blown away when they wanted to skip our Friday workout and celebrate Baby Finn.
So darn sweet.

Taken with the little point and shoot...
all 36 weeks of me.
Praise God for a GROWING and HEALTHY child.
That is making me Large and in CHARGE.
I feel good about it.
Because it means he is growing!

Life is weird right now, not working. I am doing a lot of photo editing, photo boook making, etc.  I am also working (volunteering) in a couple ways at my church.

My hubby runs the growth groups at our church, so since he is working full time, I want to help.
We are working hard to get growth groups at our church up and running for the fall semester. I might be out of commission a bit when they first start, so I want to prepare. It is funny, because there is always some excuse for me not to lead. Oh, I'm working. Brandon is deployed. I'm so tired. I'm overwhelmed, etc. As I talk to other friends and hear the same thoughts, I realize that there will ALWAYS be SOMETHING or SOME REASON not to lead.  Just yesterday morning, I felt pushed to lead a walking group.  Come to find out, two other people had similar ideas. I might do something else, but I definitely think I am going to lead.  With a great co-leader...so if I have a fussy baby, I can take a day off...

But God blesses our sacrifice to step out and lead. Not saying it is wrong to take time off from leading..everyone is in a different season in life...my friend R needed some time off...and she has lead for a while...and I think in this season she should take time off. But I guess what I'm saying is...when I think about relaxing...and then I think about the book "Radical" or "Crazy Love" and about how we are called to love God with REcKLESS ABANDON and serve him....whatever that looks like.

For our family, that means sometimes serving until it is uncomfortable...because when I get to the end of my life, I don't want to just say, "Hey God, I lived a really comfortable life and I served you as much as I felt like I could"...I want to be able to say, "God, I did more than I was capable of, because I know that YOU are capable of SO MUCH MORE than I could EVER ask or IMAGINE!"....  I do think that in different seasons it will look different...because we are also called to minister within our families, to our children.  But for now, I feel like that is where I am.

Just a thought that I have been having lately.
Last semester I did not want to lead anything.
And then we did and it was so fulfilling.
And incredible.  And challenging to my faith. And we saw people in our group come to know the Lord, and grow in their walks...and it was just an amazing encouragement.
And to think that I didn't even want to lead...
Last night we had a party to encourage leaders and it was just amazing to see all the awesome volunteers we have at our church.  Living out the gospel and choosing to give of their time and energy ....to serve...it is so neat!

I guess sometimes I get in a funk. And I forget how amazing God is.
I can't wait to see his blessings through this baby that is coming into our family....but also through our adopted son Eli...and the people that he will place in our path in ministry this year.

I can never say, "I have enough friends"....because the Lord doesn't tell me to find friends, buckle down, and chill out. He tells me to step out of my comfort zone and disciple his people. To pour into others. I want to keep my core group of friends close. But I always want to step out and disciple others....and pour my life into theirs...even in my life is messy and imperfect.


Wow...that was all over the place.
Don't come talk to a crazy pregnant lady, if you want nice and organized....

The Spring Break project...

I'm sad that spring break is ending.
But it will be fun to get back to school tomorrow.
I will be honest and tell you that I didn't get that much done this week.
It is a major issue in my life lately.
Productivity.
Another topic for another day.

But one thing I did do was this.
We got a hammock when Brandon was in Iraq the first time (2006). He didn't use it there, although he had good intentions of putting it up inside his CHU (containerized housing unit). Well, we moved here soon after he returned.  When we finally got settled, I guess we were cheapskates.  We never wanted to fork over the $100+ we needed for a hammock stand. So I guess we were waiting to find one on the side of the road, or at a garage sale.
Well, it hasn't happened.
So one night, sweet hubby and I took a bike ride on the Rails to Trails near our house. It is pretty cool....they took the train tracks and made them into paved trails to bike (run) on. The only problem is they cross busy roadways, so you have to be very aware of your surroundings. Also, don't fret, we were on the tandem, so we were safe.  Many preggos choose not to ride bikes.  Other people compete in triathlons during their whole pregnancy.  For me, I find a happy medium at riding a tandem bike with my hubby that has very thick, stable wheels.

After that portion of the date, Brandon took me to Lowe's to pick up a hammock stand. Quite romantic. But really, it was. :)
Then he came home and put it up, into the darkness of the night.
It felt like something we had to conquer.
And we did.
And we wonder why we didn't spend that 100 dollars years ago! Why did we let this beautiful hammock sit in our attic?
It is cute, our little neighbors can see us when they are at the top of their play equipment. They looked over the other day and Brandon had just planted a smooch on me.
THe little boy, Drew, (who we didn't know was there) went, "Ewwww!". :)
Better stick to reading on the hammock....




It got a little dark as we started putting it up. But we were determined!  See the playground equipment over the fence? That was the spot...



He tried it out. He offered to let me, but I figured I didn't need a hammock flipping on me (it has happened before)....so I would let him test it out :)
It didn't take long for our girl to want to join...


Look at Buoy in the background, looking on...
Maybe jealous...
Maybe just wondering why his sister can't chill out a little.

Trying to get her to calm down is quite a feat...

In other news,

I realized that i have NO pregnancy photos of this pregnancy. Maybe I was just over it after posing for the weekly shots for the last nine months..But really, None? NONE. I will be 17 weeks this week...and I have NO PHOTOS. What a bummer, and what a disservice to this little bean {navel orange}! It really bums me out that we haven't done any, but time has just flown by with this one!
So, I promise I will take a photo this week. The bump is surely growing.

And the pregnancy dreams are starting.
I had a dream that I went to visit Ashley Ann in OK, and I got two flat tires. I think I was there for a SNAP SHOP. Her husband, Chris, had to help me, but since I had one spare, we were having a tough time figuring out what to do. Quite the interesting dream about people I have never met.

Happy week to you!

Doctor's Visit

PRetty exciting doctor's visit on Friday!
Let me tell you about the day, first of all.
I woke up at 4:30 to go to spin class at the gym. I was super tired and wanted to skip it ...but I am so used to 'making myself push through that feeling' that I went. I later reminded myself that I am pregnant and if my body needs sleep, I should take it.


Anyway, I went to spin, got ready at the gym, went to Starbucks (waited in line for 25 mintues, but it was worth it!)
Went to work...
Tried to be patient and kind and sweet until I left at 3pm.
Went to the doctor.
Found out my platelets went up to 124,000 (above 100,000 you can have an epidural). Praise God!
I feel so excited about that!!!
Then we found out my fluid levels are super high. I have the fluid that someone 33 weeks along should have. It is indicative that he is not swallowing properly. We might consider inducing early because of this issue, if it continues progressing like this. I go back next Friday.
We were able to see him 4d... (are you getting sick of these yet?)

You can see the puffy eyelids a little. It is cute because our ultrasound tech said babies that have cleft palate tend to keep their hand in front of that area.  Most babies have hands down or hands up next to their heads (of course, some will put them in front of their faces), but all anencephalic babies she has seen keep their hand on top of their forehead.  He's been like this EVERY SINGLE ULTRASOUND. ALmost like, "Don't look at this part, look at the rest of me, which looks great".  I suppose self consciousness starts early :) 

Open Mouth

We are thankful for this time with him.  He is kicking me in the ribs as we speak.  I am thankful for those moments, as uncomfortable as they can be :)
All this fluid is also a little uncomfortable, but I am choosing to be thankful for it.
AG had just returned from a funeral for one of his guys that passed away this rotation (We are doom and gloom over here, aren't we?? I suppose it's reality, but just tough...).  He got to go up and visit our friend Sara and her brand new baby.  Sad news is he met the baby before the dad did.  The dad is still deployed and wasn't able to come home for the birth.
I suppose I can count my blessings that AG has been here through this tough journey!!
So he got back yesterday and was there for the appointment. I was my midwife's last patient of the day so we sat and chatted until about 6:30.  My original appt was at 4pm!  It was a good time and made me feel at ease.  I just know I"m in great hands.
After the appointment we went to dinner at Fudruckers and saw one of my students. She was so sweet, she ran up yelling, "Mrs.Whitis, you didn't tell me you would be here!!". :)  She was my first star student this week, so definitely one of the cuties!
Anyway, then we went to see "SALT".  AG said it had, "Brangelina" in it. I told him it wasn't both of them and he said it was a package deal. He is such a goof.
We are still researching adoption agencies.  I didn't know, but recently found out that one of "Brangelina's" children is from Ethiopia.  Funny.
He went back to work tonight and I am going out with some of the ladies for a fun dinner.

Picture Taking..

My friend Jess, who is a MASTER PHOTOGRAPHER (in my opinion...and I know in the opinion of many others) has the cutest kiddos. She teaches me a ton about photography every time I'm with her. After I have Briar we're going to hang out and I'm going to (**ATTEMPT**) to help her with some things while I soak up some of her amazing-ness. Not hard to do. I spent one morning with her and the adorable kiddos before I went back to school.
I learned SO MUCH, by just doing a couple easy things.
I have SO MUCH left to learn.
Such a process.
But I really love it.
I am beginning to think the Lord wants me to love this whole "process" thing.
Taking me through the process of becoming more like him (more Godly)
the process of losing a child...
the process of learning to photograph...
the process of learning to be a gracious, sweet, kind wife, even in the midst of pain..
the process of loving others, even when I feel entitled to all the Love right now :)
All of these things bringing me back to the LARGER process of becoming more God like...more Godly...moving closer and pursuing my savior.  Knowing I won't ever get there.  If I did, then I wouldn't need a savior, would I?

Here are some fun pictures I took that day: (most proud that I took some indoor pictures with natural light, and I made them come out! That was a break through for me...)
(PS...If you are wondering, this IS (in fact) the little boy my husband tried to breast feed many months ago.  He is still recovering and healing from that incident.)

Don't you have days like this sometimes? Me too .... :)

Where to begin?

I'm not even sure where to start as I tell you about the weekend, my Monday, etc. It has been a good weekend.  My friend Catherine had her sweet baby girl Mary Brent.  I can't wait to show you pictures.  The above picture will show you what is currently sustaining me, other than the Lord, to get through my days at school.  My water.  And my Starbucks Mocha Lite Frappucino (I NEVER GET THESE, but I am PREGGO, and they have a $2 deall for teachers at the Starbucks across the street....you can't beat that when the price is usually $5.20!!!)  with a shot of espresso poured on top. I think it's called Affagato style.  It's so darn good.  And worth it!! 

Yesterday I hit the all time MOST TIRED I have ever been in this pregnancy!! I got up at 4:30, worked out, went to work, chased after my second graders all day :) (with a smile), left work at 3:30 to go to a promotion ceremony of a dear friend (in my heels, mind you, after standing all day), and then managed to STAND while catching up with an old friend for THREE HOURS!!! It was 7pm and I realized I was still there, standing. I was SO TIRED.   Of course AG is so nice, he rubbed my feet. He was too tired to cook, so we got Chinese.  Don't judge me if I tell you we also got chinese Saturday night.  With Crab Rangoons. SO?? I know they're bad for me. :)  But hey, I will cook tonight!

I have been walking a good road. I did have one breakdown this weekend, but it was more talking with AG, and feeling frustrated that he doesn't handle things like I do.  At some point I will learn that God made men and women differently.  That was his plan.  That is how we are complete and whole when we marry one another, because we are SO DIFFERENT, and we balance each other.  That's not to say you can't be whole if you're not married, but being married has helped me to see that design the Lord had when he said that "TWO become ONE". 

Oh, and did I tell you about last Tuesday when I had a complete crying breakdown on my spin class instructor at 5am?? Oh poor thing. People ask me all the time about this baby, but for some reason, I just couldn't deal at 5am and I just broke down in tears. People really don't know what to do with you when that happens! Now whenver she sees me, i can tell she feels sorry for me and I just want to tell her, "It's okay, really, I'm celebrating him now, I just needed a little cry the other morning".  It's kind of embarrasing to break down on strangers (accquaintances) but at least people give me MAJOR grace and love when I do.

Anyway, about to go take care of some sweet kiddo for the day....better get to work!!
Have a great TUESDAY!

PS. I only have kids until 2:15 today, which makes today extra exciting for me :)

New dress...and some updates..

Well, yesterday I really tried to take a cute self portrait of the dress I wore. I just copied off my blog friend (who lives in the same town I do, yet we have never met) and bought this dress I found at Target. It is adorable, but I'm telling you that these pictures don't quite do it justice. I also might look tired after a day of running after kiddos :) This was yesterday, also the day of the ultrasound.

Not quite in focus :)

Also not in focus, with a nice dog in the view :)

I need to look at more of Ashley Ann's self portrait tutorials.

I will tell you that I was probably also tired after hearing some interesting updates on my labor. I passed my gestational diabetes test with flying colors :) but I found out that I have low platelets, which help your blood to clot (obviously).  I have below 100,000.  If it stays like this, I will not be able to have an epidural.  In normal life, I had high aspirations to learn all about the Bradley Method and try to have a natural labor.  But in this labor, we had decided that I would have an epidural because it is already goign to be very emotional and tough.  But it looks like we might be donig a natural labor after all. I also have high fluid levels (polyhydrosis or something?!) which means I will have to have amnio (the HUGE needle) stuck into me for several consecutive days to drain the fluid before labor. If I don't, it poses a health risk to me.

What a bummer!

It was kind of an overwhelming Doctor's appointment.

Lots of information.
Lots of new things to process.

I can't even look at that ultrasound very much.

The one of his profile.
It's hard to see.

I'm so afraid that I will be scared of the way he looks.
I am praying that I will just love him with my whole heart and not feel any sadness about the way he looks.

PRAYING for that earnestly today.

Back to the beginning...

Just thought I would share this, because I don't think I ever did back when we found out :)

We found out super early that we were pregnant, at about 6 weeks.  We found out everything early...including Briar's diagnosis.  In the pictures above, we must have already been about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, but we had no idea.  The day we got back from Savannah, AG talked me into taking a pregnancy test. I was more than sure that I couldn't be pregnant, in fact after I took the test I walked away and continued on with my nightly routine. I was not concerned, I was just doing it to appease AG.  He yelled for me to come back in, and I immediately knew what it must say.  There were shocked looks and laughs exchanged, as we weren't expecting it to say this.  I thought it was a mistake. Within the next two days, I did about 7 tests which all came out positive.  Then I got a blood test which was also positive. It was still hard to believe. I'll never forget how exciting it was to see that word, loud and clear, screaming at us that we are about to be parents.  

Oh, Briar, you have been anticipated since you were 6 weeks...and now you're almost 26 weeks! That is 20 weeks of excitement :)  I can't believe where we are in the journey. I am at a point where I am beginning to meet others. Most people don't find out until their 20 week ultrasound, so most people are just now finding out the diagnosis. I don't know which is better, because it might have been nice to go through several months of quiet excitement, but at the same time, it would have been that much more anticipation squashed.  

Either way, I'm so thankful to begin to meet others walking the road with me, one friend in particular emails with me almost every day.  It is such a blessing to me to walk the road with someone.  

Today at school I didn't have ANY kids ask me about my belly. Interesting. 

I am glad, because the first day wore me out enough as it was!!

Maybe if I ignore the pregnancy at school, they will too :)

Obviously, I don't want to ignore Briar, but I don't know if I can talk about it with kids all the time...and still get any teaching done.

Hope you enjoy some of these "pure excitement" pics. WE are horrible secret keepers. We told our parents about two days later. We planned on waiting weeks!