Failure

I'm just going to be real for a moment. Do you ever feel like a failure?
I mean, not just a little failure. But a total failure?  Not in a dramatic way, but in a "I can't get my act together" kind of way? I do.
Sometimes it comes when I read other blogs. Then I hear and believe lies. "Gosh they are put together." "They take cute pictures even when they have adopted, or when they are in Africa"  "They manage to blog every day, in the  midst of life" "You don't have anything to say, stop posting!"  Sometimes it comes when I see others. "They have it together, you don't"  "their kids don't throw tantrums, see what a failure of a mom you are?"  "They have time to do their hair/makeup, why don't you?"  "They have a (not minivan), look what a dork you are" (this one is sort of false now...but..maybe creeps back sometimes)  "that girl ran a 50k today, you can barely run a fast 10k, you will never be able to do that"... Sometimes it comes when I am playing with my kids and get "easily angered" when they throw fits. Other times i feel like I am hearing these lies all throughout the day, and most of them hold little to no value. Because I am a Christian and live my life to honor God, clearly quite imperfectly, but leaning on God to guide me....I realize that these lies are not of God.  They are from Satan...putting lies in where I am weak.  He does this to all of us. One of my favorite pastors and his wife talked about this recently.
I recently found this print that my lovely and talented friend Jess created.   I bought it to hang in my house, because it is SO TRUE. If God created us in his image, and said "WE WERE GOOD"... then, what are we doing comparing ourselves to others?  He created us all in our own unique way!  What an amazing gift!
So hard to believe sometimes. So hard to see the gift in the midst of the busyness that is life.

Go buy it here
You are made as your own unique person. One day, a good friend of mine hit one of my big insecurities. My late-ness. that's not a word, but we're going to just go with it. Ever since college, when my babysitting clients called it "brookie time", I have felt very self conscious of this fatal personality flaw. I'm always late. I hate it. It's rude. My great friend Krista told me that it made her feel not valued when I am late. Totally valid. I have so much trouble being early/on time, especially with kids, but even before that. I have to plan to be there an hour early, and I still barely make it. And I don't putt around. I don't know what the problem is.
my friend said that someday my kids will hate that I always make them late. ouch. I'll be honest (sorry dad, if you ever read this) I used to feel frustrated with my dad for making me late to soccer games. Sometimes my mom and I would just leave without him, and have him meet us there. I don't want my kids to feel that way with me. Sometimes when i'm late, I get in this self loathing, frustrated with myself banter. (Why can't you just be on time?? Is it that hard? ARGH!)
Although I need to make some changes to make this happen, it's truly not the end of the world and doesnt' make me a horrible, failure of a person. It means I'm human and I fail. And often, as Christians, we fail. I still will try to improve this.   But I will give myself grace and not beat myself up. Because possibly I was created this way. With the fall of Eve picking the fruit in the garden, we FELL from the good graces of God. Because of Jesus, we have redemption and forgiveness.   But it's not easy to accept that we are flawed. Because it often seems that my friends are not flawed, but I am. But once again, it's a lie. They were created uniquely too.
I am trying to appreciate the unique ways my boys were created. Every day.

 I'm so lucky that I get to parent them every day.  Good and bad.
I'm not a failure. :)
Neither are you.