Tuesday, May 3, 2011

20 weeks and SO HAPPY!

I always feel like there is so much to blog about.
But then I never do.
Time is flying, because school is BUSY!
But I am loving every moment, because I will miss it soon!

But let's be honest, the main thing wearing me out is this sweet baby in my belly.  20 weeks! Hard to believe.

No updates on the adoption, waiting on USCIS approval. Still praying for sweet Eli.

This past week we had field day.
Oh, you don't know about field day?
A full day of 400 crazy elementary school children running and playing games in a field....while I chase my 22....and show them the chair that I will be resting in...

Last year, on field day, was the day I found out Briar definitely had a fatal birth defect.  My friend Catherine and I went to the doctor that morning. And then I came back to school. I didn't want to be home alone.  Brandon was still gone. We still got confirmation another week later, but he said he was 99% sure that day.  I remember sitting on the side of the field with my back to my kids, waiting for Brandon's call from Afghanistan. Trying to figure out how to put it into words that his son wasn't going to make it.  It was one of those days that was hard to re-live. And I was right...it was a hard day.  But, I made it through.  With this baby.  This baby that will make it...God willing.

So, after that tough Friday, I fought with many emotions and battles from Satan over the weekend. I was convinced that something was wrong with my belly baby because I hadn't felt him yet.  I am 20 weeks....I felt like I should feel him.  Then some sweet girl said what every pregnant girl wants to hear, "You are so tiny! You haven't grown at all!"....(seriously, so sweet!)....but Satan twisted that and made me think, "Is something wrong? Am I not growing?"....

I prayed all through church.  My friend Christy prayed with me.  My friends Natalie and Kelsey prayed with me at church.  I was very overwhelmed in my mind, but trying to appear nice and controlled.  I texted my midwife, and told her that I was nervous, but I know everything is fine.  She called me immediately and asked if I was home.  I was, of course, having skipped the afternoon Spin class I had aspired to attend.  She said she would be right over.  And on my couch in the middle of the afternoon, we found that heart beat.  And I felt silly for worrying. For doubting.
But I felt relieved.
And we cried together.
For Briar.
For this sweet baby.
For the fear and the hope and the promises that God gives us.  For a hope a future (jerm. 29:11).  But he doesn't promise perfection.  Or a life that is 50 or 90 years long.  He just promises hope.  So I will cling to hope, and just smile at these photos of my little guy...

Because Monday we got to go see him in real life. Moving around on the ultrasound.
And he is definitely ALIVE.
All 10 fingers and ten toes.
He looks GREAT!

So, on this Tuesday night, I have lots to say. Lots to share.
But I'll leave it at that.
Little guy is alive and well in my belly.
So I will embrace the stretch marks, the growth, the weight gain...
and pray for his healthy entrance into this world in 20 more weeks :)

gray ric rac copy


  1. Woohoo! Can't believe you are already 20 weeks! So excited that he is doing so great! Love you!

  2. Look at how cozy He is in there!! He looks so comfortable ;) Brooke, I love your HOPE! You are awesome!
    --Katie J. P.

  3. so darn cute ~ you 2 make some ridiculously adorable babies!

  4. I remember those anxious feelings. I cried the first time our midwife came over and brought her doppler. I didn't want her to get it out because I was scared that she wouldn't hear anything. Not that all my fears have ceased, but I'm very thankful that God brought us through Jon's pregnancy. Now I get to snuggle and nurse him, and hopefully watch him grow to be a man. Keep holding onto hope, God is a good God, He gives His children good gifts.

  5. Now that I know about your blog, I am getting all caught up on your story. :)

    I'm so sorry for your anxiety. I can't even imagine the pain you felt when losing Briar, which I'm sure makes you even more anxious this pregnancy.

    I know since you posted this you received reassurances that everything was fine, I just wanted to add that for some reason it took a while to feel my little bundle of joy.

    Hope you are feeling well. :)