Oh Baby!

My due date is approaching.If i had a healthy baby.In fact, I know how far away it is.My friend is due the same day I am/was.With a little boy.And she recently posted "I am going to have a baby in six days".My due date is two days after that.But we were due the same day.It felt like a knife in my heart reading that.Weird.I thought it was a good morning.Funny how things like that can just catch you so off guard.Grief tends to do that.I know very well that God's plan for my sweet Briar was to spend eternity with him, starting very early! But my momma HEART hurts not having him. I want to be having him as a healthy, sweet boy next week. I want to hold him and hear him cry.  But I already met him. And I won't meet him again until I arrive in heaven. Some days that just SUCKS.Some days I allow myself to be okay with it.Some days I'm not sure how to feel.Some days I feel almost back to normal and other days I feel like I will be in this weird place for so long!I have to be honest. I'm so glad I did not go back to school early.I needed this extra time to process.
But I can't WAIT to be back.
This weekend we are planting the tree on Brandon's family farm in Kentucky.  We are planting an oak tree that will grow VERY large. We hope that someday we can go there with our kids and show them the tree and the little  cross we are putting in the ground.The rest of Briar's ashes are going to go underneath the tree. I just feel good about that.Every momma feels good about something different.I am looking forward to it.Brandon spent the day getting it together.Tomorrow we will go there.Only because the Lord goes before me, can I handle it.Sometimes I feel like i've come so far. And other days I feel like I'm right back where I started!!
I read this sweet poem on a friend's blog. I liked it. Sometimes I feel bad that I didn't hear Briar's cry. That I didn't get to see his eyes gazing into mine.  I loved him. And he is loved for eternity.

A Mother's Love

I didn't have to look into your eyes

to fall in love with you.

I didn't have to hear you cry

to know you loved me too.

I didn't need to hold your hand

to cherish you for always.

Within my womb, we shared our hearts,

you touched my soul.

You sweetened my spirit.

You gave me memories I will always hold clear.

Yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon.

But a mother's love does not end with death.

For you are my child,

Forever my love is yours...

Author Unknown

Oh man, I loved kissing him. :)  Those moments were so sweet.