(do you like how I got it to focus on the neck in this pic? Self portraits aren't my thing :) )
Well, I'm at this weird point.
I'm getting larger (naturally)
24 weeks. My baby could survive if he were a healthy baby!! That feels like a milestone.
I feel him more and more. My belly is constantly jumping around.
I heard that someone told another friend, "Yeah, Brooke is having a really tough time with everything". Well, this person mostly knows me from my blog. So maybe I"m not giving you a true picture of my journey here. Or maybe I am, and I'm having a tough time. But honestly, I think I'm doing pretty well. I have good days. I have sad days. Most days are good, with possibly a touch or two of sad mixed in. I think I'm pretty normal considering my circumstance. If you lost your child, would you expect to go through every day a smiley gal? Well, in this journey I try to, but some days I don't.
For example, yesterday I had a good day at the beach/pool (AG sat with me ALL DAY!). I came back and got a tad burned (I reapplied only once during the day). I looked in the mirror afterward and I saw the line on my belly (you know...the pregnancy line from bellybutton down....which was previously unseen) is now a very faint line that both AG and I can see if we look really hard. OH NO!!!! I am going to be wearing SPF 100 for the rest of the week!!
|AG's Brother...they look a lot different, but I also see a lot of similarities :)|
|Brother and Sister in Law|
THen the other part of me feels a little lonely. I'm at this point where it's hard for ANYONE to understand. Don't get me wrong, I truly and completely feel loved and cared for when others who have experienced loss (miscarriage, infertility, stillborn, etc) reach out to me. I feel so loved by my hubby and my parents who do a great job of trying to encourage me every day. (insert pity party here. Don't worry, it happens) But my friends often avoid me, maybe because they're busy, or maybe because they don't know what to say to me. And that's hard. It's lonely. (edited to add: it is none of you in particular, just everyone as a whole. Many of my friends are still super sweet to me and I know they love me, so if you're reading this, please know that I am not attacking any of you...) My phone usually rings once a day. It's my mom :) I don't blame them. My counselor said (before I brought up the topic of friends) that others don't have the energy to carry the burden and the pain of your situation, so they often avoid it. I hadn't even brought it up or thought about it, but I think it's very true.
And then there is this longing to have someone who is going through this. Carrying an anencephalic baby. If you know anyone currently going through this, send them my way. I am longing for a friend to travel the journey with.
My sweet friend (who is about to STINT (I think it's still called this when you are on staff) with CAMPUS CRUSADE to a really cool country) and I were talking about this the other day. When you are about to leave on a journey, Campus Crusade sends you to a conference to meet other like minded people about to take off on the same journey. It allows you to make connections, meet, and plan fun things for the future. I told her that I wish there was a conference for anencephalic moms. Weird, I know. SHe said I should start one. :) You never know!
I hope you have a great week. It's Monday morning and I'm about to take a jog on the beach. I'm not complaining!! (because next Monday I'll be officially back at work, BOO!)
I liked these pictures so much I decided to add them over at "You Capture"