Yesterday, for whatever reason, was not the best of days. It was Monday. Maybe I just had a case of the Mondays. The more likely culprit? I had to talk about Briar in several different situations (to a group I hadn't talked to in a while, to mean insurance people, to a doctor, etc.) and it brought all that pain right back to the surface. Some people have a way of drawing out the tears. The first woman was a dear friend who was asking how it was going, and she is just one of those people who listens so deeply, I can just feel how much she cares. I know she aches for me and the pain I am going through. As I was sharing with her some of the process and thanking her for her support (her husband is my husband's big boss (ps..thanks for sending him home)...I just burst into tears and can't stop. Of course I feel like I want to validate myself, so I just repeat over and over, "Usually I am not this way. Usually I can hold myself together and I'm not a TOTAL mess". Of course everyone is telling me it's okay to be this way. But I want to feel JOY...all the time. Unfortunately this journey involves some bumps.
I don't think there is any coincidence in the fact that I love to sprint. You ask me to run 13 miles? No thanks. Ask me to sprint around a track? GOT IT. Why? Mentally..I know I can handle the pain for that long. In my triathlon group, I always beat everyone in the sprints. Am I the fastest? Probably not...but I am mentally the toughest to KNOW I can push myself hard for that 1 minute. I can push no matter what because I know the end state. I know I will have a break. Guess what though? You ask me to sustain pain for 5 or 10 miles...and I balk. I turn away. This pregnancy is an ultra marathon to me ( 50 plus miles ). There is no easy way out. I have tried several times to sprint to the finish...and it is not there yet. But...I will sustain and push forward. I know that the Lord intends for me to learn how to choose to keep pushing despite the pain.
"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:13b-14)
I have realized that I often try to hide the pain and ignore it. WAY EASIER that way!! I don't really think that is God's intention for having me carry this baby though. I think that through this process, it is his intent for me to work through the pain and the heartache to move forward. It is not easy. I don't want to many days. I want to hide from it.
I sometimes feel like a complete basket case. As though my emotions are so raw that if someone looks at me the wrong way, I might just yell at them or burst into tears. Where as with other people I find myself making jokes about my 'dying baby'. There is something about sarcasm that is very sad, but healing in this situation. I often feel like I just need to laugh about the pain, rather than sit in it. I am not a 'sad' person. I don't enjoy feeling sad. I am sure most people don't. But that is not a place I like to rest. If someone is angry with me, I try to solve the conflict, because I don't like sitting in that.
Enough of that. Yesterday was just a bummer day. But on the brighter side, I had a friend bring me a picture of her purse from ANTHROPOLOGIE that I have been coveting for over a year....and they just came out with a new one. Hers had a yellow bow. The picture doesn't do it justice...it's SO CUTE. It's a little expensive for a purse though. Maybe someday :)
I hope you know that I'm going to be okay. I often wonder how people walk these journeys without any faith. I would LITERALLY be curled up in a ball in my bedroom if I did not have faith in an amazing God to hold on to. I am thankful for the journey, despite the pain. I pray that you experience his blessings today. We are all in the midst of a journey :)