a beautiful birthday

Today, I turn 29. If the Lord had planned for sweet Briar to live on earth, he would be 2 today. It's a beautiful day to share with my son. It's a beautiful day.  But it's a little hard. I rarely cry for Briar anymore. I think of him with fond memories.  It's not that I'm not sad, or that I don't miss him, but it is not a sad thing to me on a daily basis. I remember him with joy, with the knowledge that he is with our risen savior.   I think of the joy that he has brought so many people and the LIGHT of the LORD that he has brought into many people's lives.  His life MATTERED... But today, I will cry.  In fact, I cry a little as I write this. Because the fact is, even though I can accept he is with our Lord, I also miss him.  I miss those sweet little hands and feet.  I can't help but long for more time with him.  I had one day...probably 8 hours or so (it was a blur).  From 3am-early afternoon.  I was with him right now...two years ago.  It feels like yesterday that I had his tiny body in my arms.  It feels like yesterday that I had to watch that basket containing my first son leave the hospital room, with much of my heart leaving with it. Although today I will wrangle two beautiful children.  Wiping snot, tears and poop... I will diffuse fights and try to keep them happy. I will change diapers and feed meals and rock those boys until they fall asleep, or at least until I have my fill :) I will do those things feel thankful that I have the opportunity. Because today, as my sweet Briar has been gone two years, I long for the opportunity to wipe anything from his sweet little face.   I love looking back at the photos that my amazing friend Jess took.  Goodness, I'm thankful. It's all I have on this earth, so I will look through them over and over to remember what his hands, feet and face looked like.

I'm so thankful that all the grandparents got to hold and see Briar in his short time here.  It was precious time.

My mother in law examining those sweet hands while my dad held him.  I love that they weren't afraid, and wanted to acknowledge his sweet life.

So thankful for that day.

I kissed those little lips off, I think.  I just couldn't get enough of his sweet little profile.  And look at the shirt Brandon wore that day.  With Africa on it.  So cool.  Because our sweet Eli was born just months after Briar.  The Lord does have a plan for us.  A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. We just have to trust it.  (Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future).  I have such a hard time memorizing ANYTHING.  But the Lord has been faithful and allowed me to EASILY memorize that verse.  And I repeat it often.

And this one, on a canvas in my room, wakes me up every morning. Because I'll never forget my sweet boy who lived in my belly for 7.5 months and will live in heaven for eternity.
Happy Birthday sweet boy!  Your momma and daddy love you!