Why have I been such a grinch about just enjoying Christmas?!
What is wrong with me?
Then it dawned on me.
I lost a child this year. Three and a half months ago.
Around the holidays I suppose it didn't occur to me that it might not be a normal holiday. I might not feel quite as jolly.
Because for the most part, every day, I feel like I"m in a good place. I have moments of panic and sadness when I wish so badly that Briar was here to kiss and love on. Moments when it hurts SO bad I just want to curl up and never come out of bed. Moments when pain feels so real and tangible and close to my heart. But I never stay there.
But holidays are notoriously emotional...naturally bringing up feelings in a more intense way than you would feel them in normal day to day life. Maybe because we slow down and have a little time to reflect. Maybe because it is Jesus' birthday.
Although I didn't spend time sobbing about Briar on Christmas, I am realizing now that it was hard to just 'enjoy' a Christmas when I was spending my first Christmas without my son. Celebrating alone (with family...I will try to spare the drama) when I should be buying my little guy his first little Christmas toys.
Noone really talked about Briar. Maybe it is too hard for everyone else. Maybe it is just not on their minds. But I know some of you are thinking about it. In fact, a couple of you sent me messages letting me know you're thinking about me, and it is the thing that made me realize that maybe I have some legitimate reasons to be sad. So thanks for validating my feelings...
Anyway, if I seem a little crabby...now you know why. :)
Now a couple more pictures from Christmas....
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| This was in one of our ports, Cozumel. We were on a seven day cruise, so we had four ports. |
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| Palm trees and Christmas trees.... |
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| Santa still comes to the caribbean |
3 words:
ReplyDeleteyou.are.allowed.
now stop beating yourself up about it.
love these pictures!!!
I so agree with Kerri.
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed. Briar is your son that was taken all too soon. There is no reason to feel bad about that. You lost your son and you miss him. You are a normal human being, a Mom, who is grieving a horrific loss. I am so sorry for the ache and pain that you are experiencing right now.
love you brooke. you know i get it. we didn't talk much about Sammy either but i think *i* would have lost it completely if we had. too fresh with an infant around too.
ReplyDeletemaybe next year i'll be able to talk more about it and cry less.
((hugs)) holidays are exceptionally hard. i wish none of us had to go through this pain. ♥
ReplyDeleteno one really mentioned Amelia either...
ReplyDeletethe strange thing is that even with the blog to release some of my grief, I try to keep some of my feelings hidden and show only the "good" parts of my grief only (does that make any sense?!)
I really comforts me to know that there are other Christian women out there battling, doing just the same things I am to wade through this mess and get through each day without our little babies...
The pictures are fabulous...as usual!
HUGS!
I love, love, love your new pic on the header of your blog, cute couple!
ReplyDelete