Today is Briar's original due date. It was only his real due date for about 13 weeks. After that, my midwife felt pretty confident that he would come before the actual date. I was expecting late October.
But, obviously, the Lord had different plans.
I didn't really remember, as it is not a huge milestone for us. We talked about it last night...and we think of the November date more of "what could have been...if he were healthy". But since that was never the Lord's plan for Briar, it wasn't ever the intended date for him!!
Today at school, one of my sweet girls (the same one who spoke up yesterday) said, "Mrs.Whitis, you just look different". I asked her why..and she said we could talk about it later. She said she forgot. I knew she was just afraid to hurt my feelings. I told her it was okay, and so she told me.
Imagine the sweetest girl and the sweetest voice.
Tenderly, she said, "My mom told me about your baby. That he didn't make it. It is so sad!"
I told her, "Yeah, it is a little sad, huh?".
She said, "Yeah, but he will be in your heart forever. And he's with Jesus now!" Then she stared off into space as though she were imagining it.
I just laughed and thought that sometimes kids are the best at articulating feeling. :) Yesterday, she told me that "Brooke" was a funny name. I told her that wasn't really sweet to say to someone. She said, "Well, it is (weird)!"...haha! So then she asked me today (again), "What did you name him?" and I told her, "Briar". She said,(totally deadpan) "Well, that's pretty funny, but I won't laugh". HAHA!! I love her. Then I told her it was Briar Allen. She said, "Oh, that's kind of like my cousin, Alice". Well, not quite, sweet girl...but I'll give it to you!
I am thankful for that little moment today. The ability to acknowledge Briar, without having a huge moment. And it didn't even make me cry! Not even for a minute.
Tonight was a little harder, but still good.
I just have to walk through it.
It will always hurt. But maybe in a different way over time!
Oh, and today I looked at the pictures of my friend's baby due on my due date...and he is so PERFECT. And I wasn't sad at all. Just happy for them. Milestone.
I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow: Friday!! :)