Sunday, October 31, 2010

tying up loose ends

I'm trying to tie up some loose ends before I go back to work in a couple weeks.
One of these things included getting Briar's "death" certificate.
I wish it were a life certificate.
Or a birth certificate.
But you have to get a certificate of stillbirth.  It is sad.
One of those things that just made me bummed.
Naturally, right?
Who wants to apply for that?
I wish I were applying for the new pediatrician. Or for his passport. Or something awesome like that.
Not for his stillbirth certificate.

I ran into another friend at the gym yesterday who didn't know....those conversations do get easier, but it is still so painful when they ask about how old my baby is. I wish he were almost seven weeks on earth. But it's actually almost seven weeks in heaven.  YOW.  It hurts to say it out loud.

I am having a really tough time about the whole going back to work thing. (Have you heard this before?? Broken record!!
I want to go back.
I miss my sweet kids.
I worry about them.
But really...what good wilL i be if I burst into tears at random moments in the day?
An example:
On our date last night, I was in the middle of Outback Steakhouse crying (for no apparent reason).
This morning, before we went into church, I just burst into tears and couldn't stop (it was only our 2nd time at church since Briar....because we were out of town).
I don't do this often, but I bet I'm having trouble convincing you, since I told you about two times in the last two days!!
I know I have been changed forever. In a great way. I have experienced a precious life.
But I also know that I need to heal.
And I need time to do that.
I am ready to be done.
I will never be done. But I will at least move forward.
And get to a point where I can breathe freely.
But I need some time to settle into routine.
To do things that bring life to my spirit.
And then, I will enter back into the world of teaching.

But, I have a hope.
Does that sound redundant?
I constantly go back to it.
Because I have to know that is true.
I am so thankful that I have a GOD who loves me and stands firm, even when I am weak.
I hope you don't think I'm a crazy or a psycho who doesn't process grief well.
I guess if you think that... God can deal with you :) hahaha!
It's a process.
And I am in the midst.
For the record, church today was INCREDIBLE. And my friends there are so amazing. Thank you for letting me "be".  Thanks for allowing me to just feel some pain. Sometimes that is embarrassing (<-understatement).  I want to be put together and normal. But right now, I am walking an interesting road. And I'm so thankful that if the moment comes where I need a good cry....I can let it happen without feeling like a crazy person.  What a blessing that is.
And a shout out to the best hubby in the world. When we drove up to church and I started crying, he took me to starbucks and then we went to a beautiful park to drink it. We just went to the late service instead. So thankful that he is flexible and willing to work with me and my crazy emotional self.  And continue to love me through all of it.  Lucky me. :)
So many blessings.
There are so many reasons to believe that the glass is half full.


  1. yes yes yes.

    i started crying the other night when Dave asked what I was going to eat for dinner, I had just made him his favorite - nachos. Nothing sounded good to me so I just cried. I totally get that it doesn't happen that often but when it does its surprising and seemingly without reason (except that one big reason).

    all we have is hope. keep speaking it.

  2. melinda FitzcharlesOctober 31, 2010 at 6:10 PM

    You are such a great blog impressed.
    Although I hate that you have to go through all of this,
    you sound so normal and healthy to me...really.

  3. I can assure you, know one thinks you are crazy, but just totally amazing and filled with the Holy Spirit and ample supply of God's grace. Love to read this blog, keep writing, it makes a difference to many people! Hebrews 12:2 really brings it all home for any believer!