Where to begin today? Yesterday marked one week since Briar was born. I wonder if Mondays will every be the same? I hope as I go to work every Monday (when I return) I can think of what a special day I had on September 13. Hopefully it will be a fun thing on Mondays, to remember...
Today I had to have an ultrasound on my gallbladder, as I have been having some weird sharp pains under my right rib cage (and on top too..). She said it looked just fine, but I got it on a CD so I can have some other radiologists look over it. I don't tell you this so that you feel like you have to know my 90 page medical bio, but more because I thought I should share about the ultrasound. It was the first time that I've had one since Briar left my tummy. Most of you know that I used to have ultrasounds about once a week for the last 5 or 6 weeks to monitor growth and some concerns that were arising about the pregnancy. It was so AWESOME! My ultrasound-ographer (?) was so amazing and would almost always give us 3D or 4D pictures. In fact, the one day when she had a replacement and she just shuffled us in, did a quick check and shuffled us back out, I almost cried. I felt so cheated. hahaha! How ridiculous is that? We were so spoiled. I feel like we had a major blessing just in the office we went to and the way they treated our sweet Briar. They checked him out, wanted to know about him, celebrated him. I should have told them about the celebration! I did go in to the office the day after, last Friday, and brought them a sweet program. (I will share that here soon...) All that said, but the main point being that I should have realized that an ULTRASOUND might be a hard thing to endure a week after losing a baby. Even the room they escorted us back to was covered in pictures of children and babies. Luckily, Brandon was there to hold my hand and it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.
Anyway, as I layed down for the ultrasound (I was not at an OB, but at a diagnostic center), I told the lady that I had a baby a week ago. I don't know why I felt like I should tell her. I guess because I wanted her to know why my belly might not look normal and also why my uterus might look funny in the scan. Well of course she congratulated me, which I happily accepted (I am a mom....and I'm proud...), but then she asked Brandon and I who was watching the baby. I looked at B and wondered if I should go into it, then I figured that I might as well. So as she looked over my very empty uterus, with no baby moving around inside, I shared Briar's story with her. I didn't go into too much, but I just told her that we have known for a while and we decided to celebrate his life along the way and meet him whenever it was time. She very thoroughly looked all around my liver, kidneys, uterus, gall bladder, etc....and assured me that I looked okay. She told me that maybe these pains were phantom kicks. I wanted to tell her that (although I may look loony, and I did for a couple hours after he was born think that maybe there was another baby in there...) this pain was much more painful than a kick....and I am not crazy :) But she was just trying to be helpful. She then said some things about how Briar was in heaven and how lucky we were that the Lord decided to take him back to be with him. This lady seriously thought the same way I did. I feel like she was lucky that she said that to me, and not someone else.....because those are just the kind of things that are not comforting to some people. But in that moment, I felt like, "She gets it"....."he just returned to be with his creator"! She told me that her co-worker recently lost her baby after 5 hours. She finished up the ultrasound, and instead of making me feel so sad (because I no longer got to look at a baby inside me, moving around, but only at boring old organs...), but I felt encouraged. Did any of that rambling make sense? Basically, by knowing that we celebrated his short life and agreeing that he was worth celebrating, she really made my day.
When I sat up, this sweet lady hugged me, and then she hugged Brandon. I think in some way, she appreciated the story.
It means so much when people care to hear about Briar. That includes so many of you that have offered encouragement through my blog or facebook or emails. Most of my days are good, with down moments...that are sad....so when you write me a sweet note in the mail or online, it inevitably hits at a moment where I just needed the encouragement. I know I don't respond to everything right now, but I just want you to know how much I appreciate it.... :)
I got home after the appointment and I thought I would be crafty, so I opened my craft armoire ;) My mom must have put Briar's plaster feet molds in there, because when I opened it up, it was the first thing I saw. They had not been popped out of the gel mold yet, so I decided to do that. I showed them to Brandon, and we both sat there and looked at how cute they were. Then I had a good cry. I think that is important. These feet were so precious. I am almost afraid to touch them, because it's not as if I could re-do them if I broke them. In fact, I thought, "we should get some hand molds" and then I realized that is impossible, and I got sad. But that is how the days go lately. There are mostly good moments, with some jolts of sadness mixed in. They come unexpectedly. They sneak up. But it is important to walk through that. It's part of the journey.