Grief is a funny thing.
It just sneaks up on you.
Like today, for example.
I had a great day at school. Noone bothered me about baby stuff, except to talk about fun stuff.
Most people can't bother me, but random people who don't know anything sometimes bring up raw emotion. My friends and people who care about me rarely if every make me have a hard day. :)
I got home and made brownies and dinner. SO what if I'm home alone and I made brownies but I just warmed up a KASHI dinner? Don't judge me :)
Then I got on the phone with AG, who is in Kentucky at the family farm.
He just so happens to be checking out locations where we could put Briar's ashes...and plant a tree on the farm. He was out looking at memorial stones (we're probably going to do a simple Arlington cross) and he met a guy who has a daughter in Ethiopia today. She is picking up her second adopted child. That is such a God thing, if you knew what part of RURAL KENTUCKY he was in when this happened. SO neat. She has a blog and now I'm a total stalker.
(PS...if you like logical, put together things, you probably DESPISE my blog. I am ALL OVER THE PLACE)
Well, anyway, so AG and I are talking details about the way the little memorial/burial of ashes/tree planting will all happen and he tells me that his mom, dad and he were on four wheelers in the middle of a cow pasture under a huge oak tree and they all three burst into tears.
That was all it took.
I started crying.
And I still can't stop.
We talked for about 20 more minutes, in which I alternated between teary eyes and crying.
And now, even as I write, I cry.
Well, I guess all if it is a little hard to process.
It feels more real.
I am so scared for the time to come when we will lose him. I think I'm ready. But then I feel him kicking around and I know he is alive and well right now.
I have no idea what it will be like.
NO parent should bury a child.
But it is in God's plan for this to be a part of our story.
So, here we are.
Back to Psalm 100:1
God created us to worship him.
I recently bought a cool photo from someone who took a picture in Africa.
And think of our possible children.
I pray for our possible son or daughter (I think it will be son) and I just think that it is so ironic. I am carrying a child that is not going to live. I took prenatal vitamins. I eat healthy. I workout every day. I pray and do positive things. Our future Ethiopian children are alive because their parents gave them life. They probably had dirty drinking water, little food, and poor living conditions. Little, if any, prenatal care. And they are alive. How special.
PS. We have not started any sort of adoption process, we are still learning about different agencies and trying to decide which one would match up well with us.