My grandpa was an alcoholic.
He was a huge advocate of AA.
Even after he has passed away my grandma always says, "Honey, it's just one day at a time"...about everything.
That is accurate for me right now.
I want to get back to creating cute things. And taking cute pictures. And putting together cute outfits. But lately, if I can get off the couch long enough to cook dinner and workout, I am doing great. I don't mean this to feel sorry for myself, it is simply the place that I am in this journey. I read A LOT. I sit and worship a lot. I sleep a lot. And I try to surround myself with positive people. But I want to get back to the things I love.
Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am an FRG leader, or family readiness group leader. I am actually a co-leader and just do a fraction of the work, because my partner is amazing. I shouldn't even be able to say that I help. I digress, regardless...we had a meeting last night. Sweet Army Guy came and it was so funny! Him in a room of 20 women who found out recently their husbands are staying longer overseas. A bit awkward for him. :) He is a trooper! I was talking to a wife who is pregnant with her fourth child. She knows I'm pregnant from a party back when I was 10 weeks along and oblivious...(blissfully oblivious)
She begins to tell me that she is going to the doctor Monday for the first time. She is 25 weeks. This is her fourth child, so she's not worried. She laughs and says, "I'm over it. I used to be so excited about every appt, but now I know it's fine!". I almost lost it. I almost just burst into tears. Or ran from the room. Or told her she was an idiot. Whoops. I wouldn't have ever done that. But in that moment, I just wanted to scream, "NO, YOU DON't KNOW".
I suppose this is the side of me that is hiding and scared. Afraid to cling to God's promises that he has a future for us. Will I run in fear of every future pregnancy? I can't ever imagine a pregnancy where I won't be running to the doctor every two minutes. Oh precious Lord, I know you provide for me....but let me cling to your peace!
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I know this. I quote it when I am scared. But, Lord, let me KNOW this to the core of who I am. I do not want to live in fear forever. Sometimes I allow my mind to think through this pregnancy and future pregnancy and it just seems such a long journey before I will have a child of my own to hold and bathe and take care of. Even the thought of that brings out some emotion in me that I try to suppress. The desire of me to comfort and take care of my child is so GREAT. I just wish that this were the baby. Instead, I will take care of this baby inside me the only way I can. He is getting some good workouts, so I bet he will have a strong heart. He might not have a strong head...but that heart will be strong :) Is that a bad joke? Sorry...forgive me...I've got to laugh along the way.
I guess I come back to my grandma.
One day at a time.
I can't step ahead in this journey.
The Lord is walking with us.
We will walk along.
It might be slow.
It might not.
But it is not something I can jump ahead and rush.
The Lord has his timing.
For some reason this baby was not miscarried....like most babies with defects are....it was put in my womb to stay. So...with that...
I'll just take it one day at a time.
And wait for the day I can relax and rejoice that the Lord is Good. Which is today. But I know someday I will see it in an amazing way.