Saturday, May 22, 2010

A boat picnic...and thoughts..

Saturday morning is so fun! No schedule. No agenda.
Friday nights are fun too, because you know the next day you have no agenda!! 
Am I the only one who loves that feeling??
I'll start with the END of last night.
I was moping around and reading and Brandon cooked up a fancy meal. I kept trying to go help but I was so emotionally exhausted and tired...I just couldn't.  I noticed that he kept going outside but I wasn't sure why.  It turns out, he was creating a candlelight dinner on our boat. That's right...on the boat.  And no, we don't live on a lake. So...imagine this....the boat parked in front of the sitting there with our dinner and candles...and looking pretty redneck.
Can you imagine it now?
This boat. But not in the woods. On the street. We had a couple people walk by and admire our setup. Several others drove by and slowed way down...confused....I love my hubby. He knows how to cheer me up :)  Quality time and talking!
Yesterday we went to the doctor at about 1pm. We left around 2:30 and I just wanted to come home after. We had plans to go to a movie, go to the aflac games...and I just couldn't. I am just having a tough time coming to terms with the options and the realities. So is Brandon. We don't want to make any choice unless we know the Lord specifically took us there.
Last night, we turned on some worship music really loud and worshipped together. It was kind of like we were both having quiet times and ended up singing along and then we just were crying together. I don't want to call out my hubby, but I'll at least say I was crying. It has taken some time for his emotional walls to come down since he got home, so it's nice to connect. But it's hard. Knowing that we will never know our son. The way we understand it, no matter when this sweet guy is born...he will be brain dead. It will be almost like someone in a coma...who is semi-conscious. If he lives a day or so, it will not be conscious life.In a way...I see the gospel through this. Knowing that Mary knew her boy would die. I am not saying I am nearly as strong or amazing as Mary...but I can relate to the feeling.
Can you please understand that I believe in miracles? I DO! Our Lord is powerful and strong. But I also feel like the Lord has given us technology and abilities for a reason. I feel blessed to know my son so early. To know that I will be losing him is unbearable. Brandon has always told me if he is ever on life support, I better take him off and send him to meet his creator. We both feel as though I am the life support for this baby, and we are discerning from the Lord what he wants us to do.

Today and yesterday, Brandon and I have both been comforted in PSALM 139. It has always been one of my favorites, but I LOVE that our baby is EXACTLY the way the Lord wanted him. There is NO PROBLEM with him, because the Lord formed him just the way he wanted him. That is awesome!

"YOu made all the delicate inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb" Psalm 139:13

"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born, every day was recorded in your book, every moment was laid out before a single day had passed"
Psalm 139: 15-16

PS. Thanks for not throwing your opinions on us!!!! I really feel blessed to be supported. We are listening to the Lord and that is all we can do. Everyone stands at a different point on these issues and until the Lord takes you personally through it, it's hard to know what the Lord would challenge you to do.  I sincerely appreciate not feeling judged when sharing my feelings here!


  1. I am so honored to be praying for you!! Love all 3 of you!! I am so thankful for the Psalms, they have gotten me through so much!! Have you ever heard the song: You won't Relent, Kim Walker! Great Praise Music! Really want you and Brandon to come visit our Church sometime when you are in Lex. It is really alive!! Its 10 yrs old and over 11,000 have come to Christ.
    Love you and love Reading your Blog.

  2. Thoughts and Prayers. I admire your strength and courage. I know that the Lord is working through your life in an amazing way. Thank you for glorifying His name in all situations.

    oh and by the way, I love Friday nights and Saturday mornings too!

    Love from KY,

  3. Praying for you both because it is all I can do. We are all blessed that you are sharing this with us. The Lord knows more than we do in everything and anything. Not always an easy pill to swallow but it is the medicine none-the-less. Love to you all....