Okay, here is how my day went.
I backed my sweet friend Jess' car up into a tree and caused considerable damage.
My dog killed a squirrel as I watched it's little body twitch around.
Oh, and I went to the doctor.
It wasn't the best day :) But regardless, the Lord is good. You can read the update to come and I will tell you that I am in various stages of anger, fear, sadness and hurt all throughout the day. I'm sure the days will continue like this. But the good news is that I am well supported by people who love me and love the Lord. So many people have offered me encouragement in the last couple of days through email, phone and facebook, and even this blog. It means so much. The reason I shared my pregnancy in the first place was to go through the journey with people. To share in the LIFE growing within. The life I did not form, but the Lord placed in my womb. Not for me. The baby has never been mine, only his.
You probably are curious what happened at the doctor. Let me tell you that I had the sweetest old grandma doctor EVER. He was so kind. He spent a lot of time looking at me through ultrasound and eventually when he spoke, he gently told me that he was very concerned. He said that it looks as though the baby that I am carrying, our firstborn, is not developing a skull in the back of the head. This can be called several things, but the most common term is anencephaly. I am going back in one week to have the doctor look to make sure nothing looks any different, but the prognosis is not good. They have told me that a baby like this cannot sustain life outside the womb. Of course, I am praying for life and for bones to be visible when we return in one week. But I am also praying that the Lord would begin to show us how he wants to be glorified through this situation. Right now we have no clue. We are hurt and angry and sad.
I have done everything right. The day I found out I was pregnant I stopped going to Starbucks (a huge deal for a latte a day drinker), dropped all beverages except water (again-it used to be one or two diet mt. dew per day), became very aware and cut back on my working out (as I was training for a triathlon) and did all the things they recommend for a healthy baby. None of these things matter when you are talking about a neural tube defect. It is nothing I did or AG did. It is simply the way things work. Why? That is something I will ask God someday when I enter his kingdom. Why does it have to be that way Lord? For now, it is nothing I need to concern myself with. I just need to concern myself with how does he want to use this to be glorified.
So now as we wait to return to the doctor, I try and try not to google. But I can't help it. It is tough. We have lots to think about. Your prayers would be appreciated as we pray through this maze. We honestly know and believe that the Lord has a plan for our pregnancy to affect others. I just pray that we will continue to be guided in the meantime.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. We are leaning on the Lord alone. No one else has the power to provide a life worth living.
This might be a long waiting game. We are prepared to wait.
"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You." Ps 9.9-10