So today..

I heard Brandon singing, "Glory Baby".
He was singing, "and we miss you every day, we miss you in every way..we can't wait for the day when we will hold you, we will hold you"
I said, "I love that!"
(I like to know when he thinks of Briar, as his ways are often less obvious than mine)
He said, "Yeah, I think of it often.  It is the song that plays the most in my head".
I love him.
Do you have a song that plays in your head?
I don't.
It makes me laugh that Brandon does.
But I do miss Briar.
We were sitting around tonight and I told Brandon that I miss him.
I'm ready for him to come back now.
I know that is not going to happen. It's not the way it's supposed to be. I'm okay with that most of the time. Really. I was telling someone today how FILLED WITH JOY I am to know that my son is worshipping the creator.  To know that he will never deal with some of the troubles in this world. All he knows is love. Perfect love.
But sometimes I just long to hold him again. To feel his little legs in my hands.  To touch his fingers one by one.  It's not going to be in this lifetime, because I already had those moments. We won't get them again.  And we will always cherish them.  But, sometimes I wish that I got to do it again...sooner..
and I think that's just fine.

Isaiah 41:10 

 ¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
       do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
       I will strengthen you and help you;
       I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Preparing..

I am so excited to go back to work tomorrow.
I will be tired.
I will be hurting.
BUT, my best bud Rebecca will be back at school after her maternity leave.  It will be a tough day for her. I plan to try to love her and encourage her. And do a little jig that we are both back in second grade...
I go back to the doctor Wednesday.
That could be a day that makes things real for us.
Or not.
But as it becomes inevitable that things are drawing to a close in this chapter, I find my grief coming back to the surface.  Where before I could see little boy shoes without tearing up, there are no guarantees right now.  Brandon (he's leaving his super secret job, so I refuse to continue to call him AG...although I might go back now and then)  and I are talking about his "Life Celebration" (aka. memorial) and that is challenging.
We listened to a song our friend Kathryn suggested we might like for the service.
It is called "Glory Baby" by watermark.  A friend recently posted it on her blog too.
I downloaded it today from I-tunes to see if we would like it.
I will just say that Brandon and I were hugging by the end of the song.  When we began, we were halfway done with dinner.
The same sweet friend, Kathryn, made us a blanket for Briar from ADORABLE Amy Butler fabric.  She put a little patch on it that says, "Briar, Let sweet Jesus hold you 'til Mom and Dad can hold you.  Love, KM"  It made both B and I cry when we saw it...

When we listened to the song today, it said the same thing.  Let me just say it moved us.  We loved it.
But it is becoming so real, what we are about to face.  When B prayed for our meal tonight, he prayed for our upcoming week, that the Lord would prepare us for what is coming, etc.  I don't know how you prepare to say goodbye.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14


I am so thankful for the promises we have to cling to.  Also, knowing his life is so precious and will be spent in heaven....it is SO special to us.